Surfing with the Butt Monkeys (#IWSG April 2022)

Happy IWSG Day? What's happening!?!

• Revenge of the Space-Surfing Butt Monkeys (Gale Harbour Book 2) comes out in less than a month! I've been working my butt off, contacting people for reviews, arranging promos and guest blogs, running ads and putting some finishing touches on some formatting for the books and covers. 

• Speaking of guest posts, thank you to everyone who signed up to help with the launch! Material will be coming out very soon. If anyone else is interesting in helping to promote the launch of Butt Monkeys, please sign up below.

• Psycho Hose Beast From Outer Space (Gale Harbour Book 1) was one of the March picks for the IWSG book club on Goodreads. If you haven't already, you should join the group and jump into the discussion.

• Psycho Hose Beast is now officially my best-reviewed book, and it's only a few copies away from surpassing Hell Comes to Hogtown as my best-selling book. Despite Hogtown doing well in the Self-Published Fantasy Blog Off, it seems that writing a series (and doing a shit-ton of marketing legwork) really does pay off.

• I ran a promotion for Psycho Hose Beast with HelloBooks.com last weekend. It cost $30USD to promote it to their supposedly-large reader base, and I sold exactly 3 copies. The investment did not, as they say, pay off. I think it just didn't fit well into their readership. For one thing, it got put into the Young Adult category (which alot of people have been doing actually), even though I really never intended it to be YA. I'm sure some of the themes and characters speak to that audience, but some of the actual content is probably a bit mature for those who prefer books for younger sensibilities. 

• I've received a number of reviews in the past few weeks, but one of them I really had to share. It's an amazingly in-depth analysis of Psycho Hose Beast. Honestly I think the guy put more thought into the book than I did. Here's a snippet:

Gallant-King’s Gale Harbour is beautifully constructed. Somewhat isolated, near the water, with underground tunnel systems, and an old Air Force Base, it begs for paranormal happenings. And the cops and Fish and Wildlife folks are just small town enough to be sharp but not too sharp—so they take a journey all their own. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police—aka the Pros—are there, but in the background. 

Further bringing the town, the characters, and the decade to life are abundant references to video games, movies, TV shows, music, commercials, and other early nineties staples. A highlight is Skidmark’s rapping Snow’s “Informer.” It’s probably an ear worm for you now. You’re welcome. 

Don’t let the title fool you into thinking this is fluff. All throughout the book, the themes of age, memory, and history are woven through on multiple levels, from one end of the character continuum to the other. Niall’s grandmother—suffering from dementia—is put into a nursing home early on. The town itself has bad memories of the storm of ’29, and everyone has something with which they struggle; something to overcome. From the kid who lives in a fantasy world of video store rentals his parents would flip out about if they knew that he was watching, to the adults who have something in their past they are trying to make right or make their peace with.

You can read the whole review on Goodreads or the reviewer's website, Newmystics.com.

Wanna buy it? Click right here!

So this is all pretty exciting stuff, right? I should be super happy, right? Then why am I not enjoying this?

It's not that I'm particularly worried or anxious about the book launch, I'm just tried and burnt out. I don't know what I was thinking, setting a book launch right in the middle of the busiest time of year at my regular job. I sign in at 7:00 in the morning and I'm often still working at 11:00 at night. On top of that my wife has been sick, my kids are having problems at school, the dog is developing dementia and losing the use of her legs (she's very old). It's just so much going on at the same time. There's no time for anything and nothing is fun right now. 

I'm trying to look forward to nicer weather and quieter times in the near future. It's got to happen, eventually right? 

The question for the month is something about audiobooks, which is just making me depressed because I would love to do an audiobook, but there is definitely no time for that on the schedule. 

Anyway, how was your month?

Hugs & Kisses,

-CDGK

Title of Publication: Revenge of the Space-Surfing Butt Monkeys (Gale Harbour Book 2)
Date of Publication: May 3, 2022
Available: Kindle, ePub, Paperback
No. of Pages: 321
Genre: Sci-fi/Horror/Comedy
Novel Summary/Blurb:

Newfoundland, Canada, 1993.

It's been a year since a handful of kids defeated the Psycho Hose Beast in the sleepy town of Gale Harbour, Newfoundland. Our heroes have entered into the era of rollerblades, Super Nintendo and oversized plaid shirts… unless you’re a goth, then it’s the era of Maybelline eyeliner, boots with too many buckles, and infected safety-pin piercings.

Thirteen-year-old Niall O'Neil is navigating a blossoming relationship with his crush, Harper Jeddore. Unfortunately, the power that allowed them to defeat the monster from the deep is still within them, and they are no closer to understanding or controlling it. When just touching your girlfriend can kill innocent bystanders, it complicates the already precarious practice of teenage dating.

But lurking in the backdrop of teenage romance, a sinister power is growing in Gale Harbour, and dangerous people are turning up in the small town with possibly deadly intentions.

Will the kids defeat this new threat? What did the US Air Force leave in the abandoned Hansen Air Force base? What is a space-surfing butt monkey? And most importantly—will anyone get to touch a boob?

PRE-ORDER IT NOW FOR JUST 99 CENTS!

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The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group day. Writers post their thoughts on their blogs, talking about their doubts and the fears they have conquered. It's a chance for writers to commiserate and offer a word of encouragement to each other. Check out the group at http://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/

REVIEW of Headlock of Destiny by Samuel Gately

I still find it super weird that people come to me to ask for a review of their book. I get that everyone wants to get as many reviews as possible, but the fact that someone values my opinion enough that they will seek me out specifically for a review/quote is a nice feeling.

I don't get a lot of requests mind you, and don't have the time to do many more than I already receive, but I have discovered some really great books this way. The last one was BIG RED by Damien Larkin last year, and now I can add HEADLOCK OF DESTINY by Samuel Gately to that list.

I mean, I get that I'm specifically the target audience for this book. It's pro-wrestling mixed with epic fantasy. But I think that alot of people will enjoy this book, regardless of how you feel about oiled-up men in panties fighting each other. You don't need to be a fan of pro-wrestling to get The Headlock of Destiny, but if you are you'll appreciate some of the inside jokes and references.

Van is a titan, a giant ten-times as a strong as a mortal man, destined to fight and entertain the masses in a wrestling ring. Despite his humble beginnings working at a brewery in a backwater village, he is of course swept up into the politics and show-biz of the fighting circuit, thrust into the biggest tournament in the world, the Headlock of Destiny. Van becomes Van the Beer Man, a wrestling... brewer? (To be fair, the real world has seen wrestling garbage men, dentists and golf caddies, so why not?)

I loved this book. Samuel Gately has an easy, fun voice that makes the text fly by at a breezy clip. The description of the wrestling matches are fast-paced and exciting, with each one a spectacle of over-the-top action. But wrestling action aside, some of my favourite moments were outside the ring, like Van's quest to steal a barrel of beer, his antics at the tavern and casino between matches, or his awkward encounters with his former girlfriend. Much of the characters and interactions are refreshingly grounded and real, despite the story being set in a magical world with wrestling minotaurs and dragons used as passenger airliners. I think that's what really makes this work - in a world with cartoonish wrestling action and fantasy trappings, it's really Gately's down-to-earth portrayal of Van that makes him seem real and relatable. It would have been so easy, and a mistake, to make Van as garish and hyperbolic as the world around him, but instead he's just a normal, regular guy with simple wants and a sad (but not overly dramatic) backstory. Really great stuff.

Long story short, I would recommend this to anyone who like pro-wrestling or fantasy. If you like both, then you REALLY have to check this out, because you're in for a treat.

THE LINKS!

You can buy THE HEADLOCK OF DESTINY on 

AMAZON

Follow Samuel on 

TWITTER

Also be sure to check out 

SAMUELGATELY.COM

THE AUTHOR!

Samuel Gately is a writer of novels in the fantasy genre. Most have spies in them. He lives in Oak Park, just outside Chicago, with his wife, daughters, and two terrifyingly fluffy dogs.

FOREST OF GHOSTS by J.H. Moncrieff REVIEW

Take a hike through the most haunted forest in the world…

I haven’t read the previous installments in the GhostWriters series, however I loved Moncrieff’s book “The Bear Who Wouldn’t Leave,” so when offered an advance proof of “Forest of Ghosts” in exchange for an honest review, I happily jumped at the chance.

Forest of Ghosts is a fast, creepy tour through the darker side of modern Transylvania. The author has first-hand knowledge of many of the settings in the story, and the descriptions are vibrant and detailed. Creeps and weirdness abound as our hero, Jackson Stone, attends a writers retreat where other guests disappear and the owner of the hotel harbours a dark secret. Moncrieff expertly weaves a tale of mystery and suspense, and she takes her time to make her characters and plot logical and sensical for the modern day. Being more of a “supernatural mystery” than a true horror story, Moncrieff’s characters make sensible choices and there is internal logic to everything that happens - the danger and suspense is built into the setting and are not merely plot contrivances, which is a refreshing touch.

The main character Jackson is relatable - sure he's seen ghosts and spooks before, but he still has reasonable questions and doubts about the weirdness around him. He's also a guy who will stand up for what he believes in even if it's uncomfortable or difficult, which makes him easy to cheer for, and you can believe his struggles to do the right thing and help people.

All in all a fun read that I breezed through in just two sittings, which is impressive for me; I’m generally a pretty slow reader. That says something about the smoothness and accessibility of the author’s prose! Definite recommend for fans of supernatural mysteries, suspense and ghost stories. Now I have to go back and read the previous volumes...

FOREST OF GHOSTS officially drops this Friday, March 22. 

PRE-ORDER YOUR COPY NOW!

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J.H. Moncrieff's City of Ghosts won the 2018 Kindle Book Review Award for best Horror/Suspense.

Her work has been described by reviewers as early Gillian Flynn with a little Ray Bradbury and Stephen King thrown in for good measure.

She won Harlequin's search for “the next Gillian Flynn” in 2016. Her first published novella, The Bear Who Wouldn’t Leave, was featured in Samhain’s Childhood Fears collection and stayed on its horror bestsellers list for over a year.

When not writing, she loves exploring the world's most haunted places, advocating for animal rights, and summoning her inner ninja in muay thai class.

To get free ebooks and a new spooky story every week, go to http://bit.ly/MoncrieffLibrary.

February '19 Audiobook Reviews

Here we go again! I've been tearing through audiobooks so far this year, let's see if I can keep it up. I started last year hard and fast too, and burned out quickly, but here's hoping I can top my record for books read/listened to in 2019.

Heir to the Empire - 20th Anniversary Edition by Timothy Zahn (read by Marc Thompson)

I think I've talked before about how important "Heir to the Empire" was to my Star Wars fandom in my teens. This book, and the West End Games Role-playing game, kept Star Wars vibrant and alive for me in those dark years between Return of the Jedi and (ugh) The Phantom Menace. Not only was it the first "Star Wars" we got in ten years after Jedi, Heir to the Empire was a really good book. Or at least I remember that it was, though it had been some 25 years since I'd read it.

I remembered it very well - I could recite some lines and even full paragraphs exactly along with the narrator as I listened. But it was a lot more... juvenile than I remember it being. I'm not saying that as a major critique, it's just very obviously targeted at young adult audiences, which I guess I didn't notice at the time since I was, at the time, a young adult myself. The language is very "secondary-school," for lack of a better word, which really stands out when it's read aloud in an audiobook.

That being said, the plot is very well thought out (a hell of alot more than most Star Wars movies, to be honest) with genuinely shocking twists and turns throughout the book and the trilogy. The villain, Grand Admiral Thrawn, is without a doubt Zahn's greatest contribution to the Star Wars universe (that and the name Coruscant for the capital planet). Thrawn is a well-developed, Sherlock-Holmes-esque character, who uses his considerable intellect for evil, yet you can't help be drawn to him because he's just so darn interesting. His plots and schemes are ridiculously elaborate and yet well-thought-out and logical, far more than the simple "and now the bad guys ambush the heroes" we usually get in the movies.

So yeah, the book is still pretty good, but I cringed at the audiobook. This was the most over-the-top, over-produced audiobook I've ever listened to. It had a full soundtrack and soundscape, using all the official music and effects from the films. Every scene was highlighted by laser blasts, lightsaber hums, explosions and monster growls. Even during quiet dialogue scenes, there was always the background noise of starship engines humming in space or animals chirping on-planet. It was really unnecessary, and totally distracting at first. Maybe some people really like this kind of full presentation, but as I've said before, I really just prefer one voice telling me a story.

Marc Thompson is a good narrator, but like most male American narrators I find him a little too slick. It always sounds like the voiceover guy from movie trailers. Plus, he did all the voices (or attempted to do all the voices) as impersonations as the characters from the movies. His Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and C-3P0 were quite good, but many of the others left a lot to be desired. Luke Skywalker sounded kinda bored, Lando sounded like he was trying to seduce everyone all the time, all of the female characters were terrible (a pretty common complain when male narrators try to do female voices), and Han Solo sounded like Patrick Warburton (the voice of Joe Swanson on Family Guy, Kronk from the Emperor's New Groove, Elaine's boyfriend Puddy on Seinfeld and Lemony Snicket in the Netflix version of A Series of Unfortunate Events).

Actually Han Solo in this sounds exactly like the Han Solo from the Lego Star Wars cartoons, but that's neither here nor there.

Portuguese Irregular Verbs by Alexander McCall Smith (read by Hugh Laurie)

My wife has been bugging me to read this for years, and while I have nothing against it I admit it took me far too long to get around it to. This is my first McCall-Smith book (I've never touched his much more famous No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency, either), and I quite enjoyed it.

Charming is probably the best word I can come up with to describe this book. It wasn't gut-bustingly hilarious (though my wife insists the next book in the series is), but there were a couple of pretty funny moments. The opening chapter about three very un-athletic academics trying to learn how to play tennis using only a 100-year old rule book was brilliant. And then they tried to learn to swim from a textbooks, too... But most of the book is cute, witty, and leaves you with "ah, I see what you did there" moments. 

Ostensibly the book is a number of short stories about the lead character, Dr. Moritz-Maria von Igelfeld, a professor of "philology" (study of the history and structure of a language - I had to look it up) whose big claim to fame is writing a 1200-page treatise on Portuguese Irregular Verbs, an incredibly comprehensive (and by all accounts, dreadfully boring and unnecessary) volume about the history and usage of... Portuguese Irregular Verbs. It's a book that all his colleagues appreciate and respect but no on in the right minds would ever want to read. Every chapter and story somehow ties back to this ridiculous book, about how von Igelfeld is trying to get others to read it, or buy it, or how he got the idea to write it, and so on. It's just the right amount of absurd for me, and if you are an academic or know any of them very well, it will entertain you on an whole other level.

My favourite part of the book, however, was definitely the narration by Hugh Laurie. My previous experience with him was reading Three Men in a Boat, by Jerome K. Jerome, which if you recall I was pretty disappointed with (Laurie's reading that is, the book is great). He is a million times better here, taking his time and narrating with a gleeful joy that really makes what could by a dry story far more entertaining. In fact, Laurie's narration here bumps whats would probably be a three-star book for me up to an easy four.

Noir by Christopher Moore (read by Johnny Heller)

I'm a big homer for Christopher Moore. I unabashedly list him as one of my big influences as a writer (I'm not talented enough to write like Kurt Vonnegut, or British enough to write like Terry Pratchett). Hard-boiled detective stories are also my jam. Mickey Spillane is a dirty pleasure, even though his books are horrifically racist and misogynistic. So when you mash the two of them together, I just knew this was going to be a bitchin' ride.

From the opening line, "She had the kind of legs that kept her butt from resting on her shoes," I was hooked. It was full of Moore-isms like this, where he captures the style and tone of the genre he's satirizing/parodying, but twisting it to make it all his own. It was a classic story of a tough, regular Joe who gets caught up with a crazy dame and some illegal shenanigans, and then all hell (and murder) breaks loose. 

Set in post-WWII San Francisco, Moore deftly navigates the racial and social prejudices of the time, being honest about how people thought and acted in the 1940s without being too cringe-worthy for our modern sensibilities. And he touches on a lot of tough points, too. Japanese internment camps, the flourishing west-coast China Town, the Southern blacks who moved to California to build warships, the women who worked to run the country while the men were away but then were shuffled back when the war ended, even the underground but growing gay and lesbian culture. I've read other novels actually written in that period when all of those groups were treated like second-class citizens as best, and manipulative, horrific villains more often than not. The fact that Moore was able to not ignore the racism and bigotry while still making all of the characters real and well-rounded was an impressive feat.

Of course, this being Christopher Moore, there are aliens and secret government conspiracies. Honestly his noir pastiche was so good I would have been happy if he played it straight, without the supernatural elements, but you can't have a Christopher Moore book without talking animals and some kind of otherworldly creature murdering people. It's his gimmick, and bless him for it. I know I love it.

The narrator, Johnny Heller, was solid. He captured the noir/hardboiled vibe wonderfully, and he managed to pull off most of the varied cultural voices without delving too deep into racist caricatures (*cough, cough* Stephen Briggs *cough, cough*). Fun times.

BIG RED by Damien Larkin REVIEW

Nazis on Mars. Alien space bugs. Secret government conspiracies. Time travel. This book has it all, and, amazingly, makes it all make sense.

When I first saw the publicity material referencing the setting, particularly the "Nazis in Space" part, I thought for sure this had to be some kind of parody, or at least written with tongue planted firmly in cheek. (Which I would be super down for, by the way) I was eager to dig into it after Dancing Lemur Press offered me an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Big Red plays it straight, and pulls it off. It's earnest, and honest, and believable, thanks to the grounding of a realistic, decent protagonist as our guide and narrator.

The packaging says "military sci-fi" but this is a thriller through and through. The pace is fast and the twists and turns are dizzying. Every time I thought I had the story figured out Larkin threw another curveball, and I could barely keep up. It felt like the Twilight Zone or Black Mirror at times with the way it completely subverts expectations. Honestly sometimes it almost feels like there's too many twists happening, but the author pulls them all together, catches all the loose threads and ties everything up nicely in the end. If you're cynical like me and you're asking yourself after three or four chapters "how the hell is he going to pull this together?" then trust me: Damien Larkin pulls it off, and pulls it off with style.

It's hard to get into the plot too much without revealing spoilers (and like I said, the crazy revelations are the best part), but the back cover blurb gives you a pretty good set up. A soldier wakes up on Earth after a year-long mission to Mars goes disastrously wrong. He has only fractured memories of what happened and his commanding officers are desperate for answers he doesn't have. The story alternates back and forth between the main character's time on Mars and what's happening on Earth, as the reader experiences each memory first-hand as the narrator remembers them himself. It's a neat trick and is a wonderful way of slowly unraveling all of the interconnected story threads, as bits of info revealed in each storyline reveals or explains what's happening in the other.

The military aspects of the novel feels real and grounded, despite taking place on Mars, which is obviously due to Larkin's own experiences in the military. His first-hand knowledge really makes the action seem believable, and he provides just enough detail to add to the story without going overboard with the jargon. Likewise with his sci-fi tech - functional and interesting without going into too much minutiae. All of these touches add to the plot, giving the setting an immersive, lived-in feel without bogging it down too much.

All in all I thoroughly enjoyed Big Red and highly recommend it to anyone with even a passing interest in Sci-Fi. A very impressive debut from Damien Larkin and I look forward to future works from the author.

Big Red
By Damien Larkin

Release date - May 14, 2019

Print ISBN 9781939844606
EBook ISBN 9781939844613
Science Fiction - Military/Alien Contact/Alternative History

We have always been here…

Suffering the side effects of Compression travel, soldier Darren Loughlin wakes up screaming from a gunshot wound that isn’t there. Despite a fractured memory, he is forced to recount his year-long tour of duty on Mars to uncover the mysterious fate of Earth’s off-world colonies and the whereabouts of his shattered battalion.

With time running out, Darren recalls his tour of duty with the Mars Occupation Force in New Berlin colony, their brutal MARSCORP masters, and the vicious war against the hostile alien natives.
But as he exposes the truth, Darren suspects he is at the centre of a plot spanning forty years. He has one last mission to carry out. And his alien enemy may be more human than he is… 

Dancing Lemur Press, L.L.C. is dedicated to bringing outstanding and inspiring science fiction & fantasy, new adult/young adult, mystery, paranormal, middle-grade, non-fiction, Christian, and more to readers!

http://www.dancinglemurpressllc.com/

Revenge of the Noise! (January '19 Audiobook Reviews)

It's been a long time since I did this, but here we go! I haven't been listening to audiobooks in awhile, but I've jumped back in with gusto in the New Year. Here's my rambling and incoherent thoughts on some of the stuff I've pumped into my ear holes these last few weeks:

Pawn by Timothy Zahn (read by Joel Richards)

(I actually read/listened to this one almost a year ago. I wrote this review but it's been sitting in "drafts" ever since.)

I'm a big Star Wars fan. When I was a teenager, during the lull in Star Wars films between Return of the Jedi and The Phantom Menace, I devoured all the tie-in novels, games and comics that kept the spirit alive. By far, the best books in those early series was the Heir to the Empire trilogy by Timothy Zahn. I've heard some say that Zahn's books were even better than the original Star Wars trilogy of movies, and I'd be willing to consider that claim.  He has an accessible, well-paced style that works beautifully for genre fiction, and he has a knack for military sci-fi that is unparalleled. He comes up with these tactics and plans that are simply brilliant. Despite how much I loved his Star Wars books though, for some reason I had never read any of Zahn's other works. So when I saw this new book, the start of a new series, pop up in my audiobook feed, I thought I would finally give it a shot.

This is not Star Wars. It has none of the sweeping, epic mythology of Star Wars, nor any of the military or espionage that Zahn is famous far. It's a story about a small group of humans from our modern day Earth, abducted by mysterious aliens and put to work on a massive, equally mysterious spaceship in the middle of nowhere. Though they do encounter an odd alien here and there, the main thrust of this story is about the protagonist interacting with the other displaced humans as they go about their daily routines. It's an odd sort of setup for what is ostensibly supposed to be a sci-fi adventure, but a setup it is, as the truth of the ship and the aliens and the hero's purpose are all revealed in the last chapter or so. This is very obviously the beginning of a much longer series - it could have equally have been the first half (or even third) of one of those big doorstopper books that fantasy and sci-fi tend to favour.

That said, the story is well told, and the main character, though frustrating at times, is one I can root for. I've heard complaints that she's passive and weak, especially at the beginning, but that's rather the point. She's a young woman and an addict who grew up surrounded by abusive relationships and was a lackey for a street gang - it takes her awhile to overcome this background and grow into a more confident, assertive person - and even a leader - by the story's end.

Guards! Guards! by Terry Pratchett (read by Nigel Planer)
Thief of Time by Terry Pratchett (read by Stephen Briggs)

I love Terry Pratchett. I don't need to go to that in depth right now (though maybe I should write a full post about him one of these days). I listened to two of his books last month, one of my favourites (Guards! Guards!) and one I actually hadn't read before (Thief of Time).

They are two very different books. Thief of Time is very good, dealing with more esoteric themes (the nature of time and existence), and has a mixture of some of Pratchett's best characters (Death and Susan Sto Helit) as well as some that only ever appear in this book (The History Monks). The Auditors (other-worldly god-like beings that are basically celestial accountants) are trying to destroy the human race for being unpredictable. The History Monks, an ancient order of Shaolin-like monks charged with protecting the flow of time and history, work to stop them. Meanwhile, Death tries to get the Horsemen back together (who have gotten old and lazy) to ride out for the upcoming Apocalypse. Through it all, Death's granddaughter, the school teacher Susan, is just trying to put it all back together and save the universe.

I really enjoyed it, and the character of "The Sweeper," Lu Tze, could be an all-time best Discworld personality up there with Rincewind and Captain Carrot, but this audiobook version was seriously hampered by some of narrator Stephen Briggs'... unfortunate choices. Briggs read all of the History Monks' voices with awful, stereotypical Chinese/Asian accents, sounding like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's or the waiters at the end of A Christmas Story. It was painful. Worse, there are so many different monks, and Briggs tried to use different voices for all of them... it was just bad. It was also inconsistent, and he regularly dropped in and out of the voice for some of the main characters. I cringed every time one of them spoke. I know Briggs has read many of the Discworld books and he has many fans, so I really hope the next one will be better.

On the flip side, Guards! Guards! is easily one of Pratchett's best books. It introduces the Night's Watch, the hapless, foolhardy police force of the capital city, one of the Discworld's best continuing storylines. It's like Brooklyn Nine-Nine in a medieval fantasy city. I also realized upon revisiting this for the first time in years that Guards! Guards! also introduced a number of classic Discworld tropes, such as the fact that a last, desperate, million-to-one shot always succeeds (and thus the characters will try to purposefully make their tasks harder to get them as close to a million-to-one as possible), as well as that the concentration of knowledge in libraries is so powerful that it opens up portals to alternate dimensions called L-space. Both are important plot points in this ridiculous story of an incompetent police squad investigating murder by dragons.

Narrator Nigel Planer is superb, absolutely nailing the voices of some characters like Corporal Knobs and Sergeant Colon (Colon sounded exactly like Brendan Gleeson, and now I want to see Gleeson play the bumbling Sergeant in a movie version). His Vimes and Carrot were not what I expected, but they really grew on me over time. All that said, the sound quality of the recording was terrible - the volume constantly went up and down, and there were numerous obvious cuts and edits in the track. I don't know if this was the fault of Planer or the producers, but I would have expected better in a professional-level recording.

Louis L'Amour Collection (Narrated by Willie Nelson)

I grew up in a house full of Louis L'Amour books. He is my father's favourite author, so I seem to have been drawn to him by some kind of conditioning or osmosis. 

I haven't read many westerns outside of L'Amour, but he is a perfectly competent adventure writer, capturing the feel of the old west (or what is stereotypical in popular fiction as the "old west") in a easy, well-paced style. This collection contains about ten short-stories, and even with this small sample they get a little repetitive (how many stories can you write about stealing cattle and jumping land claims, anyway? And this collection features at least two stories about mistaken identity) but that being said, the fact that the man wrote hundreds of novels and short stories with any variety at all is incredibly impressive. 

I've said it before and I stand by it - the only difference between westerns and romances is how much punching is involved. There's always a love interest, the leads are always described the same way in both, and both usually feature horses. But after listening to this batch I was also struck by how similar westerns are to sci-fi (I kinda knew it already, but this one really stood out for some reason). In any of these stories, you could have easily replaced the hero with Han Solo or Malcolm Reynolds, swapped the six-shooters for lasers and horses for spaceships, and *poof* instant space opera. 

Willie Nelson is (perhaps surprisingly, perhaps not) an excellent narrator. He doesn't have that polished sound that most American narrators use, which is a plus in my book, and he doesn't go in for fancy voices and accents. But he is a fabulous storyteller, with a warm, down-home voice that really draws you in. It's like listening to a smiling grandpa or uncle tell you a story, which is not a bad thing. There's a reason Nelson is one of the most beloved and celebrated entertainers in America.

Two of the stories also featured full casts, scores and sound effects, making them full-on audio dramatizations, like old-time radio plays. I was honestly kinda ho-hum about this; generally I just prefer my audiobooks being one reader telling me a story, even if they're doing a bunch of silly accents. While I also enjoy radio plays, I feel like that's a different genre/style altogether, and borrowing so much for what is ostensibly an audiobook feels like trying too hard. That being said, one of the stories features a star-studded cast with voices provided by the likes of Kris Kristofferson, Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings, so that was kinda neat. And the other story featured one guy who sounded EXACTLY like former pro-wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin, though I can't find credits for the story anywhere to confirm whether this is true. I even asked Steve Austin himself on Twitter about it, but he didn't get back to me.

January/February Audiobook Reviews

Between my messed up work schedule and new job, I haven't had nearly as much time to listen to audiobooks lately. I have racked up a few over the last two months or so, so I thought I'd share my thoughts now.

Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K. Jerome, read by Hugh Laurie

This book came out nearly 130 years ago, and the jokes still work. It's incredible. Sure it's a certain style of British humour that may not be to everyone's taste, but it fits mine precisely. This was obviously an influence on P.G. Wodehouse, and on later modern British authors like Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams (see below). Originally intended as a serious travel book, the story of three young gentlemen (to say nothing of the dog) getting away from the city for a few days quickly devolves into pure comedy. Some of the passages, like the three men trying to open a tin of pineapples without an opener, or the recommendation of cheese as a travelling companion, had me in stitches. You can still see the origins of the book, though, and there are some beautiful, poetic passages about the English countryside as well as accurate descriptions of places the group visits during their holiday. Many of the locations you can still visit - in fact all of the inns and pubs mentioned in the book are still open today. England loves their old drinking holes, it would seem.

Perhaps the only drawback is that Hugh Laurie (of House, MD fame) is, surprisingly, not a great narrator. He talks very fast and his breathing is very distracting. He rattles off several lines of text in a heartbeat and then takes in huge gulps of air. I know that's his comedy style but it's annoying in an audiobook. He should take lessons from his old buddy, Stephen Fry (also see below).

Inferno by Dan Brown, read by Paul Michael

I have a strange relationship with Dan Brown. When The DaVinci Code hit big years ago I railed against it - how could such a poorly-written, formulaic book based on decades-old knowledge for its "shocking revelations" become such a huge success? I even wrote a play about how terrible it was (I was a weird theatre kid).

As time went on, though, I softened on Brown and The DaVinci Code significantly. The book is not that bad, it's perfectly fine and has a great pace. I can't fault an author for his success. If I wrote anything even a fraction as popular and competently written, I would milk it for all it's worth, too. It helped that I went back and read Angels & Demons, which I actually really enjoyed. But then The Lost Symbol came out, which was terrible, so I kinda forgot about Brown and the adventures of Doctor Robert Langdon.

It took me awhile to get to Inferno, and now that I have... eh, all I can say is that it's not as bad as The Lost Symbol, which is barely a compliment. It follows exactly the same formula as the other books: great, page-turning pace; ridiculous, barely-plausible technology; a trusted ally who betrays the hero; "shocking" revelations that really aren't that shocking if you've read a book in the last 30 years; a mad villain who isn't really "wrong," and I'm totally confused if we're supposed to side with him or not.

The villain in Inferno, in particular, was absolutely fucking right, and I think all the other characters realized that at the end because the big revelation of his evil plan was handled with kind of a "meh, whatever." Like, when everyone was trying to figure out how to deal with the execution of his master plan, no one really seemed to care or question what it all meant.

Part of the problem might be that this was an abridged version of the story, so maybe there was some necessary philosophical debate that was left on the cutting room floor. I know the editing also caused other issues as some characters and plotlines disappeared from the story with no explanation.

The narrator was fine. He tried to be really fancy with foreign accents, but my only comment of note is that he's terrible at female voices. He seemed unable to emote when using a female voice, so all the female characters came off bland and emotionless.

Huh, I guess finding stuff to pick apart in a book gives you lots more to write about. But beside all that, my overall review is that the book is "fine," except for one particular line which made me guffaw out loud. At one point, when discussing the female lead's backstory, she said that while in college she took a "part-time acting job to earn extra money." Coming from a theatre background, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Unless the job was acting in porn, that should have been the clue to tip the hero off that she was a bold-faced liar (sorry, spoiler).

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, read by Stephen Fry

The Restaurant at the End of the Universe / Life, The Universe, and Everything read by Martin Freeman

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is one of my favourite books. Its absurd, ridiculous British humour is exactly my cup of tea. If you're not familiar with it, go read it/listen to it immediately. If you don't like it, well, then we can't be friends.

Upon listening to the first three parts (of this five-part trilogy), I've come to several conclusions:
1. Stephen Fry is a much better narrator than Hugh Laurie. I compare them because they're of course former partners in the comedy duo Fry & Laurie, but really, it's not fair to compare anyone to Stephen Fry in the narration department.
2. While Martin Freeman is not as good a narrator as Fry, he IS Arthur Dent. And I'm not just saying that because he played Arthur Dent in the film version of the book; he was obviously cast as Arthur because he embodies the hapless, naive-yet-snarky, everyman quality of Arthur perfectly (it's also why he's great in roles such as Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit and John Watson in Sherlock).
3. The audio quality of Freeman's books is not great. The gain is too low, it's distorted (because I have to turn it up so loud to hear it) and you can even hear him turning the pages of his script at times. Most of the books I've listened to have had perfect audio, I don't know why this one was so iffy.
4. I think Restaurant at the End of the Universe is my favourite book in the series. Adams really hits his stride here. I won't spoil it, and it takes a bit to set up, but the whole joke about sending all the useless people (including advertising executives, human resources managers and telephone cleaners) into space had me laughing so hard I nearly drove off the road. The best line in the series, however, comes in Life, The Universe, and Everything:

"There is an art to flying, or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground, and miss.” 

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, read by Becca Battoe

I couldn't do it. I listened for about 2 hours and nothing sexy happened. All I got was terrible, juvenile, awkward prose. I cannot waste 20 hours of my life listening to this.

Is E.L. James 13 years old? Because she writes like she's 13 years old, and the narrator reads her like she's 13 years old. It's maddening. It's like listening to a teenager on the telephone telling her friend about the cute boy she met. Maybe if I was reading it and I could just skim to the sexy parts, it wouldn't be so bad. Except now I'm going to picture the lead as a 13-year old and it will just be creepy and weird. I give up.

December Audiobook Reviews

Last month I raved about how I'd discovered audiobooks and couldn't believe they were missing from my life. I've been flying through books the last few weeks, "reading" more books in a month and a half than I did the full year prior, and my pace doesn't shown signs of stopping.

I figured since I was going through them anyway, I might as well take the time to jot down a few of my thoughts, both for my own benefit of remembering them down the line, plus as a suggestion (or warning) to anyone else who may want to give these a try.

Insane City, written and read by Dave Barry

This was without a doubt the weakest audiobook I've experienced so far. It's written well enough - Dave Barry is a bit too broad and general for my humour, but I appreciate the allure of it. It's got some great one-liners and plenty of wacky situations, but it read a bit too much like the script of a movie to me. Honestly, it seemed like Barry was trying really hard to write a book that could be adapted easily to a screenplay, like The Hangover. My thoughts on the matter? Just watch The Hangover, it's much better.

The worst part, though, was Barry's reading of the text. That's all it was - reading, like a high school student tonelessly presenting his book report in front of the class. Not everyone can be Euan Morton (see Serpent of Venice) doing all the character voices and accents like a one-man stage show, but at least put a little emphasis and inflection in your voice. The weird thing is, Barry narrates all of his own stuff. Is the non-fiction this dry and boring, too? It could have been really funny, with the right narrator, but Barry just really killed my interest in this one. 

The P.G. Wodehouse Collection, narrated by B.J. Harrison

I freely admit this type of early 20th century British humour may not be for everyone, but I absolutely love it. 

P.G. Wodehouse is a huge influence on some of my favourite writers, such as Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams (and really, any British humourist from the later 20th century), so what's not to love? The snappy dialogue, the quick wit, the wry British comedy of manners - Wodehouse perfected this comedy style that would go on to be adapted by so many, and B.J. Harrison performs it wonderfully. He uses the style of narration common to many English voice actors, adopting different voices, accents and speech patterns for every speaking role, so that it ends up sounding like a radio play performed by one actor.

This collection contains one novel (Right Ho, Jeeves) and about twenty short stories, so it's a bit on the long side, especially as the stories tend to get a bit repetitive, but the novel itself is a prime, sparkling example of Wodehouse's Jeeves & Wooster stories. It's hilarious, fast-paced and ridiculous, not to mention surprisingly crass. I've never heard an old British lady call her nephew an "ass" so many times in my life. True, it's tame by today's standards, but after the very proper and mannerly stories in the first half, all those "cuss words" thrown around in the novel were downright scandalous, and is a perfect example about how profanity, when used carefully and sparingly, is a potent comic weapon. I've never quite mastered it myself (Hell Comes to Hogtown has something like 400 f-bombs in it), so it's nice to observe a master.

Carrie, written by Stephen King and narrated by Sissy Spacek

After listening to mostly humour for the last few weeks, I wanted to try something different. Will a dramatic story be as good in audio as a joke-filled one? 

Carrie, at least, was excellent. I saw the original movie years ago but somehow I had never read the book. The movie was awesome, and the book, while different, was also exceptional. The ending was very different, and I agree with Stephen King that the ending of the film version is actually better.

That being said, the ending of the novel is still evocative. Not to get too spoilery - while the film ends with a bang, the novel drags on, and then spends considerable time detailing the aftermath of Carrie's rampage. If you ever wanted to see how a small town deals with the brutal deaths of hundreds of people at the hands of a misunderstood girl with godlike power, this is the book for you! It's depressing and heart-wrenching, and left me feeling icky. 

Sissy Spacek as the narrator was inspired. Not only is it a fun touch because she played the original Carrie in the film, but because she nails the reading, bringing the weight it needs in the dramatic parts as well as the cold clinical voice of the journalists and scientists investigating the incident. Normally I don't find "scary" books particular scary, nor do they really move me, but Spacek really helps to take you through all the ups and downs of the journey. It's a different kind of thriller. You know, very early on, how the story is going to end, but King and Spacek drag you along for the ride you know is going to end is heartbreak and bloodshed, and Spacek in particular really hammers home the dread and foreboding. It's wonderfully disquieting. 

The Stupidest Angel by Christopher Moore, read by Tony Roberts

Since the Christmas Season is upon us, I had to throw in one holiday-themed story, didn't I?

Some people curl up with Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol in December, a familiar tale to get them in the mood for the holidays. For me, it's Christopher Moore's "Heartwarming tale of Christmas terror." Many characters from Moore's other novels appear in Angel, sort of a "Holiday Special" treat for his fans, and I can't begin to cover all the ridiculousness in this short book. There's a washed up former B-movie queen who hears voices. There's a young boy who sees Santa Claus get murdered and then worries that means he's not getting a new PlayStation. There's a talking fruit bat. There's a heartbroken mad marine biologist who, in order to get over his divorce, glues electric diodes to the testicles of lab rats and himself. And of course there's the titular character, the absent-minded, idiot servant of Heaven who performs a lazy Christmas miracle and accidentally raises an entire graveyard full of people... as brain-eating zombies. 

This is peak Moore at his most insane, and the story is read well by Tony Roberts. Most of the voices seem to have southern accents, which is weird to me as the story is set in California, but maybe that's just me? Maybe I don't "get" American accents? This, apparently, is NOT the same Tony Roberts who starred in such films as Annie Hall, Play it Again, Sam and Serpico (who also does audiobook narration) but instead by the guy who narrates the Casca: The Eternal Mercenary series? Confusing.

Anyway. This book is great, the narration is pretty good, and if you share my sense of humour you will be simply... having... a wonderful Christmas time (insert Paul McCartney music here).

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So, have you read/listened to anything cool this month?

I Just Discovered I Love Audiobooks

For the longest time I was hesitant to listen to audiobooks. I found nothing inherently wrong with them, they just didn't seem to be for me. For some reason my mind wandered whenever I listened, and unlike when reading and you miss something, with audiobooks it's especially hard to go back and re-read/listen to parts you missed. It just didn't seem worth the effort.

Those opinions were formed before I got a job with a ridiculously long commute, as well as a lot of data entry where my ears are free to do to other things. For the last few years I've been listening to a ton of podcasts, but lately I've been finding myself bored with that too. Along with the guilt that I don't do nearly as much reading as I should, I decided to give audiobooks another whirl, and I'm so glad I did. In just two weeks I've discovered a LOVE for audiobooks I never imagined, and I suddenly feel so much more productive now, being able to chip away at my TBR pile while simultaneously getting other tasks done. It's amazing.

In those two weeks I've "read" three books I've meant to get to for awhile, and I've discovered that audiobooks improve books in (at least) three awesome ways.

1. It makes bad books bearable.

The first book I checked out was Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. Now, this book was hugely popular a few years ago and is about to become a major Steven Spielberg movie, but in all honesty I didn't think it was very good. The 80s video-game nostalgia seemed perfectly tailored for me, but the flat characters, dumb stakes and over-reliance on said nostalgia were just grating. Not to mention it was riddled with plot inconsistencies that I would have been crucified for had I written them.

If had I been actually reading it I doubt I would have made it through. But the story was saved by the charming and likable narration by Wil Wheaton. While the weakest of the three narrators I listened to, Wheaton still has an engaging voice and a spirited narration, so it was nice to listen to him drone on in my ears for a few days.

2. It lets you see an old book in a new light.

Book number two was Slaughterhouse Five. I had read it many years ago, but despite it's place as a classic it was among my least favourite of Vonnegut's books. I don't know if it was because I read it in a rush of other Vonnegut books so it didn't particularly stand out for some reason, or maybe I just didn't get it. But that changed after I listened to Ethan Hawke's rendition.

Now, I don't know if Hawke is actually the best choice for Slaughterhouse Five (there's another version read by James Franco that I think might work even better). He's a bit too smooth and suave, but boy does he bring it to life. He instills it with so much pathos and realness, it really hits you in the gut and plays up the darkness while still maintaining that mischievous satire that I love. I have really reconsidered my opinion on Slaughterhouse Five thanks to the audiobook, jumping it way up there in my Vonnegut canon.

3. It can make a good book absolutely exceptional.

The third book was The Serpent of Venice by Christopher Moore. I'm pretty open that Moore is a heavy influence of mine (which I think is probably most obvious in Hell Comes to Hogtown), so I generally enjoy his books anyway. But Euan Morton's reading of Serpent of Venice is astounding. It's the first time I've understood what it means when it says a narrator "performs" a book.

For those who don't know him, Morton is a stage actor and singer who played Boy George in Taboo in both London and on Broadway, currently performs as King George in Hamilton on Broadway, and has credits in countless other shows on both sides of the Atlantic (random side fact: his son plays the lead in the TV show Young Sheldon). Morton brings his considerable skills to Serpent of Venice, turning it into basically a 10-hour-long one-man show where he performs all the characters beautifully with different voices, and captures Moore's humour with perfect British wit. He's like a one-man Monty Python, it's amazing.

I also just discovered that Morton also did the narration for two other Christopher Moore books, Fool and Sacre Bleu, so I am pumped to check those out.

Long story short, I'm really digging audiobooks and I can't believe it took me this long to jump on board. Since I wrote this up last week I've also listened to a Dave Barry book and I'm half-way through a PG Wodehouse collection (For reference, the Dave Barry book wasn't very good but it still had a few laughs in it). I haven't been this prolific in my "reading" in years. I think I've listened to more books in the last month than I read in the entire year prior. I'm looking forward to making a nice dent in my TBR pile in 2018.

Let's do this.

The Canadaland Guide to Canada is the Guide I Wish I Had Written

Anyone who followed my A-to-Z blog posts last month know that I'm fascinated by weird and obscure Canadian trivia and history. Turns out I'm not the only one. The Canadaland Guide to Canada (Published in America) by journalist and podcaster Jesse Brown is a brand new, hilarious collection of weird, embarrassing, obscene and shameful facts about America's not-so-polite Northern Neighbour that reads like the textbook companion to my blog series.

This book tries really hard to make you feel ashamed to be Canadian. Canada is known as a polite and progressive country, and while that's generally true, we also have A LOT of skeletons in our closet. This book takes all of them out and shakes them in your face for the world to see. It dispenses a lot of myths about Canada that other countries have been parroting for so long that we've started to believe them ourselves.

Some of these stories are just silly. Like when American Civil War Veterans invaded Canada in 1866, the head of our military and soon-to-be first Prime Minister, John A. MacDonald, spent the entire battle drunk in his office. Or the fact that in the early days, the government tricked people into moving here by never mentioning the weather or the word "snow" in their immigration material.

Some of the stories are also horrifying. For example, did you know the Indian Act (which I mentioned in a previous post) was actually the inspiration for South African government's apartheid policy?

Some of the delightful characters you'll meet in the pages of the book.

It just goes on and on like that. Page after page of hundreds of short stories, facts and quotes, just hitting you like a machine gun full of Tim Hortons donuts. It's hilarious and cringe-worthy, but it's almost too much. I had to take breaks from it a few times because it was an onslaught of information overload. It's probably better to be read in snippets and funny chunks instead of trying to power through in one sitting. Much like a fine poutine, one cannot gorge oneself too deeply lest one risk throwing up all over the place (I think I screwed up that metaphor, but you get my point).

The level of sarcasm is orbital, which kind of actually distracts from the sheer ridiculousness and extreme unbelievability of some of the true stories. My one complaint is that Brown tries to be a bit too cheeky at times; the stories are over-the-top and funny by themselves, his snide remarks and sarcasm actually made me question which parts were actually true and which were his exaggeration, which led me to have to look up a few of the crazier-sounding facts. Which, come to think of it, may have been his point.

All in all, this is a terrific reference that every Canadian should read. So should every non-Canadian actually. God knows we can stand to be taken down a peg or three; we spend enough time mocking Americans that it's only fair we take a good hard look at ourselves, too.

In case you missed it, yes that is Drake canoodling a moose on the cover.

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Amazon is Deleting My Reviews and I Think I Know Why

Note: Make sure you stick around until the end so you can get the post-script for this story.

It was bound to happen eventually, I suppose. It's one of the trials all new authors face with Amazon.

I was really excited a few weeks ago when I FINALLY started getting reviews for Hell Comes to Hogtown. It's been out for two months so I was getting nervous. While I had some comments from people saying "Yeah, it's great," no one had committed words to paper (well, bytes on a website) to officially endorse the book. When it finally happened I was thoroughly relieved that I hadn't been wasting my time. In fact, it absolutely made my day when the first review was quite glowing and was from someone I didn't really even know.

After that my friends and family jumped on the bandwagon and started leaving reviews, too. I was getting hyped, now. I was actually building momentum! Maybe I'll actually get a similar number of good reviews that I did with Ten Thousand Days - I hope so, because I think Hogtown is a much better book. I was flying high.

And then two of my reviews were deleted.

Now, I've heard the stories of reviews being removed from many other authors, so I wasn't surprised. I know it happens, and sometimes you can't even determine why. Did Big Jungle think you paid someone to write it? Created a fake account to leave a review for yourself? I've heard rumours that Amazon actually goes after people who are linked to you on social media sites, which is iffy because obviously that's how people connect with fans these days, but at the same time I wouldn't put it past them.

Now, full disclosure, the reviews that were removed were from a good friend of mine and my mother-in-law, so I could see Amazon claiming a conflict of interest. Of course, how do they know they were related to me? Lots of other people I know have had books reviewed by friends and relatives, too. I myself had friends and relatives write reviews on Ten Thousand Days, and they're still there. Why did they target these two particular reviews?

Sounds like a case for these dapper gentlemen.

I'm pretty sure I figured it out. Both reviews that were removed were specifically on Amazon.ca, And what do those two people whose reviews were flagged have in common with me and the Amazon.ca site? Both of their addresses are linked to my Amazon.ca account, because I've sent items to them that I've purchased on Amazon. Linking those user accounts to me and flagging them would have been the most obvious thing in the world to Big Jungle.

Of course, those purchases were made years ago and had nothing to do with this book, but I can obviously see that it could look suspicious. And the reviewers did have a personal connection to me, so it's not like I can really argue that they were unbiased. But it still sucks. I'm just leaving my story here as a warning to other writers.

All that said...

I am greatly interested in reviews from people who are not personally connected to me. I will gladly provide electronic copies in exchange for an honest review. As you all know it's a tough world out there to get eyes on your product. If anyone is interested in a horror-comedy with oddball characters and a lot of cuss words, please hit me up in the comments below!

* * *

Fitz is a broke night manager for a grubby comic book store. His only friend Dee is a drugged-out, womanizing pro-wrestler. Together they’re the most pathetic losers on the face of the planet. Their lives cannot possibly get any worse.

And then they’re implicated in the kidnapping of the prime minister’s wife.

On the run from the cops, Fitz and Dee discover there is something far worse than the RCMP stalking the dark streets of Toronto. They are being hunted by an ancient demon of unspeakable evil with an insatiable taste for blood... or maybe it’s just your run-of-the-mill giant murderous hobo?

Either way, life in prison might be better than whatever the creepy drifter has in store for them…

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EDIT: At some point during the day I posted this, my deleted reviews actually reappeared on Amazon. I have no idea why, they had been gone for two days so I assumed they were lost forever. Maybe it was just a glitch? Maybe Amazon customer service actually looked into it after I contacted them on Twitter? Who knows? But let's just say I'm happy they're back and I'm sorry for the fire drill. :-(