But seas between us braid hae roar'd (#IWSG January 2019)

First a quick recap of December: Hell Comes to Hogtown was not chosen as a finalist for SPFBO 2018. That's cool, I was happy it did as well as it did, and I still feel vindicated over my performance from the year before. In fact, no one from my group was chosen as a finalist, because a judge from another group had two books they wanted to forward, handed one of them off to my judges, and they chose that second book as their finalist instead of any that were originally in their own group.

It's nice that this contest is open and transparent, but it's also weird seeing the behind the scenes workings that you don't usually have to think about.

The unfortunate part of not continuing in the contest is that my sales have completely dried up. After being chosen as a semi-finalist, my sales were better than they had ever been, and I was raking in regular positive reviews, too. Now that's all gone, and I suspect my sales will go back to their regular pattern of 1-2 books every 3 months. Without any new books scheduled in the immediate future I don't see a big change coming, so yeah, there are certainly some insecurities there.

I also won a small writing contest in December! A Facebook group I'm in, the "Grimdark Readers and Writers" group, held a contest were members submitted a story and they were blindly judged by other members of the group. Mine stood out because of course being me, I can't take anything seriously. Despite the theme and genre being "grimdark" my story was a 3000-word-long elaborate dick joke (no, seriously). Still, people really seemed to enjoy it, but it was nerve-wracking watching each round of the one-on-one, single elimination voting and counting the votes to see which story everyone preferred.

Silly me: I thought because people liked the story they might go try out some of my other works, especially the Werebear vs Landopus stories which are exactly the same style as my winning story (and are free on Kindle Unlimited). Of course, my win resulted in exactly one (1) new sale, so my hopeful expectations may have been slightly misplaced. Plus, one of the perks of winning the contest was to be interviewed on the Grim Tidings Podcast, one of my favourite podcasts about writing and publishing. Then a week after I won, they announced the Grim Tidings Podcast would not be continuing in 2019. Sigh.

Personal Non-Writing News

My wife's surgery was postponed again. Two days before the procedure was scheduled she ended up in the ER with a gallbladder attack. So now we're waiting to see the doctor to get that out before she can get the spinal cord stimulator trial. So yeah, December was a hectic, crazy month.

And Now the Good News:

You may have seen the news already, but here it is again: For the second year in a row, I will be featured in the annual IWSG Anthology! Yes, it's true, me, the guy whose work has been kicked out of writing competitions and had scathing reviews for being too obscene and inappropriate, will have a story included in a...

...anthology of Young Adult Romance?

Yeah, I don't know how it happened, either. Well, except that I wrote a story and submitted it and they chose it. But besides that, I have no idea, dude.

I know, Pierre, this is how I feel most days.

Here's a full list of the winning stories:

Oddly Suited by LG Keltner
Sea of Sorrows by AV Brown
Behind the Catcher’s Mask by Jennifer Lane
A Diver’s Ball by Angela Brown
Fearless Heart by Deborah Solice
The Dark Charade by CD Gallant-King
The Cog Prince by Elizabeth Mueller
Flower of Ronda by Myles Christensen
Remedy by Chelsea Ballard
Charleston Masquerade by Carrie-Anne Brownian 

A Huge Thank You to the IWSG Admin team, the judges and the crazy folks at Dancing Lemur Press for picking one of my oddball stories again. You guys have weird tastes, I'll give you that. Further details about MASQUERADE: ODDLY SUITED are of course still to come, but for up-to-the-minute info, be sure to check out the IWSG website.

Bonus Good News:

I mentioned this last week but being the middle of the holidays most of you probably didn't notice it: this year I will also once again be featured in the STRANGELY FUNNY VI anthology of comic supernatural stories published by Mystery and Horror! That's THREE years in a row for me with Strangely Funny, which I'm super proud of because I love their odd and quirky stories and my work fits perfectly in their collection.

Both Strangely Funny VI and Masquerade: Oddly Suited are scheduled to be released in April 2019. Keep an eye out for both of them!

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That's it for now. Thank you for sticking with me and reading through my up-and-down 2018. It had its rough spots, probably not as bad as 2017, but it was rocky none-the-less. Here's to 2019 continuing on this slight upswing and hopefully having a smoother road.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and your 2019 pans out to be all you want it to be. 

We twa hae run about the braes, 

and pou'd the gowans fine; 

But we've wander'd mony a weary fit, 

sin' auld lang syne.

The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group day. Writers post their thoughts on their blogs, talking about their doubts and the fears they have conquered. It's a chance for writers to commiserate and offer a word of encouragement to each other. Check out the group at http://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/.

The Canadaland Guide to Canada is the Guide I Wish I Had Written

Anyone who followed my A-to-Z blog posts last month know that I'm fascinated by weird and obscure Canadian trivia and history. Turns out I'm not the only one. The Canadaland Guide to Canada (Published in America) by journalist and podcaster Jesse Brown is a brand new, hilarious collection of weird, embarrassing, obscene and shameful facts about America's not-so-polite Northern Neighbour that reads like the textbook companion to my blog series.

This book tries really hard to make you feel ashamed to be Canadian. Canada is known as a polite and progressive country, and while that's generally true, we also have A LOT of skeletons in our closet. This book takes all of them out and shakes them in your face for the world to see. It dispenses a lot of myths about Canada that other countries have been parroting for so long that we've started to believe them ourselves.

Some of these stories are just silly. Like when American Civil War Veterans invaded Canada in 1866, the head of our military and soon-to-be first Prime Minister, John A. MacDonald, spent the entire battle drunk in his office. Or the fact that in the early days, the government tricked people into moving here by never mentioning the weather or the word "snow" in their immigration material.

Some of the stories are also horrifying. For example, did you know the Indian Act (which I mentioned in a previous post) was actually the inspiration for South African government's apartheid policy?

Some of the delightful characters you'll meet in the pages of the book.

It just goes on and on like that. Page after page of hundreds of short stories, facts and quotes, just hitting you like a machine gun full of Tim Hortons donuts. It's hilarious and cringe-worthy, but it's almost too much. I had to take breaks from it a few times because it was an onslaught of information overload. It's probably better to be read in snippets and funny chunks instead of trying to power through in one sitting. Much like a fine poutine, one cannot gorge oneself too deeply lest one risk throwing up all over the place (I think I screwed up that metaphor, but you get my point).

The level of sarcasm is orbital, which kind of actually distracts from the sheer ridiculousness and extreme unbelievability of some of the true stories. My one complaint is that Brown tries to be a bit too cheeky at times; the stories are over-the-top and funny by themselves, his snide remarks and sarcasm actually made me question which parts were actually true and which were his exaggeration, which led me to have to look up a few of the crazier-sounding facts. Which, come to think of it, may have been his point.

All in all, this is a terrific reference that every Canadian should read. So should every non-Canadian actually. God knows we can stand to be taken down a peg or three; we spend enough time mocking Americans that it's only fair we take a good hard look at ourselves, too.

In case you missed it, yes that is Drake canoodling a moose on the cover.

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F*ck You, Santa! A Christmas Story written by Will Bly, narrated by C.D. Gallant-King

I'm sure you're all rushing around madly trying to finish your last-minute holiday shopping/decorating/cleaning (assuming you celebrate this Friday's holiday in some form or another). However, in between your errands (and watching The Force Awakens), take a moment to stop and remember what this season's all about: Enjoying some hilarious and inappropriate Christmas-themed stories, narrated by yours truly.

That's right, for the first time ever, I've lent my dulcet tones to a wild and crazy tale about Santa Claus that I really cannot explain. You'll just have to listen to it yourself. Just don't let your kids listen to it. It kind of paints Santa in a less-than-flattering light.

The story was written by Will Bly, author of the awesome dark fantasy novel Ravens in the Sky that came out earlier this year. The audio is hosted and produced by our friends at the Grim Tiding Podcast (also available on iTunes), an excellent show for all things grimdark and fantasy that you should absolutely check out.

Check it out:


If you want to follow along at home, the eBook version of F*ck You, Santa! is currently available for free at Amazon, but only until Christmas. So grab it while you can! And if you can figure out how to stuff an eBook into someone's stocking, please let me know.

Have a safe and happy holiday season, everyone. And whatever you do, don't piss in Santa's milk!

FREE STORY! (Happy Halloween!)

Joyous Samhain!

In honour of All Hallow's Eve (and in association with the Trick-or-Treat Blog Hop and the Share-a-Scare Blog Hop), as promised today I'm giving away a weird and creepy story in the tradition of the season! So please don't egg my house!

The big news is that this is a BRAND NEW, never before seen tale by yours truly, and you're getting it ABSOLUTELY FREE! Grab it fast, cause this promotional event only lasts until November 1st! 

Here's the blurb:

A grimlark short story of hilarious misery. 

In a peaceful land of lush prosperity, an ancient eight-tentacled evil has risen to wreck unfathomable havoc. A simple, unassuming warrior named Huckle gathers together the bravest and most dysfunctional band of heroes in the kingdom to battle the beast, but they are fated only for the direst of suffering and failure. 

The only way to defeat a monster of this magnitude is with an even more horrifying monster... 

Huckle goes to hell and back and back again in this tragic tale of terrestrial cephalopods, ursine lycanthropes and explosive volcano drake diarrhea. 

Dark fantasy will never be the same. 

SUGGESTED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES: Contains coarse language, violence and candid descriptions of the genitalia of various fantasy races. 

With a forward by R.S. Matheny and Philip Overby, hosts of the Grim Tidings Podcast 

~~|~~

This story was inspired by a conversation on the Grim Tidings Podcast, between hosts R.S. Matheny and Philip Overby and their guest Will Bly. They said someone should write about werebears and land octopuses. I took that as a challenge.

The story is weird, creepy, funny and not for the faint of heart. As you can probably tell from the blurb, reader discretion is advised.

Here's where you can get it:

Download Tentacles Under a Full Moon at SMASHWORDS (Free!)

Download Tentacles Under a Full Moon at KOBOBOOKS (Free!)

It's also available at Amazon (US, Canada, UK and everywhere else), but it's not free because, you know, Amazon (still only a buck, though). You can get a Mobi file from Smashwords, so grab it there for your Kindle reader or app.


Don't forget: I'm not the only one giving away free books today! For the full list of everyone who's giving away a book or story for Halloween, check out below:

Interview with C.D. Gallant-King

On Saturday I had a little interview with Justin Knight on Writers Talking - we spoke about Hell Comes to Hogtown and my first book Ten Thousand Days, as well as quite a bit about Inkshares, self-publishing and writing in general. We also went off on a tangent about the new "Lady Ghostbusters" movie for some reason. 

Anyway it was a whole lot of fun and so if you want to learn more about me and the horrific tales of murder and terror I wrote as a child, you can check out the stream here:

I had a ton of fun, I always enjoy this type of conversation about writing, how we write and why we write. I'd like to think it's useful and entertaining information for folks - like myself Justin and at least a few or my readers - who are just getting started in indy-/self-publishing, or for people who are just fascinated in the art of writing and storytelling and want to know more about the process.

It helps that Justin has a British accent and makes the whole thing sound a lot more important and fancy. He was super professional and even though I was this close to being late (ever since I've had kids I've been late for everything) he covered and we got rolling without a hiccup. 

And hey, for any other writers out there who would like to have a similar chat with Justin, he's a nice guy and would love to hear from you. You can reach out to him on Twitter @OptimusJut. 

As always, if you want to learn more about Inkshares (which is large part of the conversation) or my upcoming book Hell Comes to Hogtown, just click on the giant link below:

HELL COMES TO HOGTOWN 

on INKSHARES!

My 5 Favourite Non-Wrestling Podcasts

A while back I wrote a post about my favourite podcasts hosted by pro-wrestlers. Since some of you may not be pro-wrestling fans (to which I have to ask - why not??), I decided to follow up with some other fun podcasts that don't feature people kicking or pile-driving each other.

Hopefully you all know what a podcast is, right? The name comes from an "iPod Broadcast," as it's a form of digital media you can download and listen to on your MP3 player. It's basically a radio program, but nowadays anyone can record one and put it out on the Internet for the world to hear. They are produced by major media corporations, celebrities and regular folks in their basement, and the quality and topics vary spectacularly, since anyone with a microphone and a computer can create one.  I listen to a lot of podcasts (while jogging as well as at work since many of my tasks are data-entry type deals that don't require a lot of concentration), and below you'll find a few of my favourites. I also highlight an episode or two of each to give you a good taste to get started.

All of these have their own sites where you can listen directly, as well as being available on iTunes (my preferred method of listening) as well as several other feeds. Find whichever one works best for you!

Catlike Reflexes
iTunes Link

Full disclosure - I personally know many of the people involved in this one, so maybe I'm biased, but it's still a lot of fun to listen in on a gang of smart funny people joking about nerd stuff. It's basically a round table of like-minded geeky folks riffing on a different topic every week: movies, comics, video games and other pop culture references. It's recorded live with everyone in the room and the audio quality is top notch - it often feels like you're just sitting at a party, listening in on a fun conversation.

Will you learn anything? Probably not. But it's fun and hilarious and it's an entertaining way to spend 30-45 minutes. Not all podcasts need to be serious interviews. As a busy guy without the disposable time to indulge in my nerd pursuits, I can live vicariously through them as they talk about all the best comic books and video games and that I'm missing out on. Or, if you're the kind of person who DOES follow web comics and Steam games, you can listen in and then argue with the hosts over their opinions on social media.

Best Episode: Zombie Planning - The gang shares their plans for how to survive the inevitable Zompocalypse.

Grim Tidings
iTunes Link

Do you like fantasy, particularly so-called "Grimdark" fantasy? Rob and Phil have your hookup! Two up-and-coming authors share news and stories about the sub-genre of Grimdark, but most importantly they also feature a variety of interesting guests - mostly authors but also publishers, designers and anyone else remotely connected to fantasy fiction - to provide candid interviews about their craft and the genre. They feature not only up-and-coming indy authors (from around the world, no less) but they also get high-profile guests like Victor Milan and R.A. Salvatore. The Salvatore show drops sometime in September and I think will be a huge deal for the show. This program is rapidly developing a big following and is definitely one to follow if you're into writing and/or fantasy fiction.

Best Episode: Whatever their latest one is, they improve every week. But if you're looking for one to start with, try their interviews Victor Milan, Dave de Burgh or Peter Newman. They're all great choices.

PodBros Promotions
iTunes Link

Formerly "The Guy Huddle," PodBros Promotions is the centerpiece in the ever-expanding PodBros network of podcasts, which features dozens of regular podcasts on a variety of topics, from geek fandom to comic books to sports to hunting to comedy and conspiracy theory and who knows what else; they seem to be adding new shows every other day.  Promotions focuses on promoting independent creators of all kinds, to give them a platform to tell the world a little about themselves and their projects. They've had writers, podcasters, artists, musicians (and yours truly) on board and if you're interested in just hearing different creators from all walks of life discuss their outlooks on how they make things and get their voices heard, this is the place to check out. And hey, you might learn about a new show, book or music that you'll come to really enjoy.

Best Episode: I could just tell you to listen to my episode, but really my favourite was their interview with Jack Wallen (Episode 31: The Zombie Huddle), a very successful independent author whose career I aspire to emulate.

CANADALAND
iTunes Link

This one may be less interesting to non-Canadians, but it isn't just a Canadian news program. This is an exercise in media criticism, questioning how and why the media reports on current events the way they do. The topics noted journalist Jesse Brown reports on can only be covered on a podcast because mainstream news outlets wouldn't touch his stories with a ten-foot pole. Investigating bribery and government manipulation in the media, cover-ups, ethics in journalism - he touches on everything. It's not just some conspiracy theory nuts, either; Jesse interviews respected journalists, writers and media personalities about real current events and stories, asking questions no one else will ask. If you're at all interested in how we consume media (and Canadian news and politics in particular) it's very fascinating stuff.

Best Episode: His interview with comedian Scott Thompson. I know, I know, he's had interviews with Anonymous and talked about all kinds of serious and important topics, but I'm a sucker for Scott Thompson. The only reason his podcast (The Scott Free Podcast) didn't make my list is because it's updated so sporadically.

One Shot
iTunes Link

There are a lot of podcasts out there about table-top role-playing games, and recording of people playing roleplaying games (I mean A LOT), but they all suck. This is the only one I've found I can listen to. Not only does it not suck, it may also be my favourite podcast, period.

For those of you familiar with these games, you know how much fun it can be sitting around a table with your friends and acting out the ridiculous adventures of your make-believe characters. The folks at One Shot take that interaction and turn it into an art-form. Their table is filled with actors, comedians and performers of all kinds (not all, but enough to urge the table along) and they turn the game into a performance that other people can listen to and enjoy. I have honestly never laughed so hard at a podcast as I do at some of the antics these guys and girls get up to. A role-playing session is very much like acting out a little play, and that's exactly what these folks create: It's like listening to an old-timey radio play, and it's absolutely glorious. Even if you're not familiar with role-playing games at all, check out an episode or two of One Shot to see what a perfect game should look like (at least in my humble opinion).

Best Episodes: The Dungeon World series (a version of Dungeons & Dragons, episodes 29-31) or Inspectres (a riff on Ghostbusters, episodes 70-71). Both made me laugh so hard I had tears running down my face. I was listening to them at work praying no one would ask me what was so funny. I hoped they would just assume my grandfather died or something.

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Hey all, don't forget I'm currently crowdfunding my next book in a vain attempt to get it picked up by The Nerdist. More info about it here, or you can go directly to Inkshares to support.

Pre-Order My Book and Help Me Win a Publishing Contract

I just posted my latest work-in-progress on Inkshares, a crowd-funding site for publishing. Here's how it works: You pitch your book idea and post excerpts on the site, and try to convince readers to pre-order the book. If you hit a certain threshold of pre-orders, Inkshares will pay for the editing, design, printing and marketing for the book.

It's a fascinating model that seems like a win for all parties involved. The author (potentially) gets their book published without the personal cost of self-publishing or the humiliating obstacle course of finding a traditional publisher. The reader is only charged if the threshold is met and the book goes to print. And the publisher (Inkshares) has a guaranteed number of presales on the book before they even accept the manuscript so they know that they can cover their investment in the project.

Inkshares say they can get their books into many major book sellers, such as Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Apple and numerous independent bookstores. They also claim their are options for publishing overseas in other languages and even selling movies rights, but those are pale in comparison to the true reason I'm signing up.

The biggest reason that I decided to so this right now is that they're currently running a contest in conjunction with pop culture powerhouse Nerdist.com: The 5 books with the most pre-orders by September 30th in the Fantasy & Science Fiction categories will automatically get published, even if they don't meet their thresholds. More importantly, the folks at the Nerdist will pick their favourite book out of the top five to be backed and endorsed by Nerdist.com, becoming the first book in The Nerdist publishing imprint with all the perks and glory it entails.

So now I implore you, all my faithful readers: Help me win this contest so I can get an interview with Chris Hardwick on The Nerdist Podcast. Sure, publishing my book is great, but my true life's ambition is eat a burrito with the son of Bowling Hall of Famer Billy Hardwick.

This man's son is the first face you see after your favourite character bites it on The Walking Dead.

My project, tentatively titled "Hell Comes to Hogtown" is now live at Inkshares. The entire first chapter is available as a free preview so you can determine if you like my style of writing. I would love it if you would pre-order it and tell all your friends, but if you just "Follow" the book to increase it's profile on the main page, that would be great. Even if you tell all your friends and spread the word, that would be great. Maybe one of them would like it?

Seriously, Click Here to Check It Out!

Anyway, here is the (very) short pitch of what the book's about:

A comic book nerd and a pro-wrestler try to clear their names in a kidnapping while evading a bloodthirsty demon hobo.

It's a comic horror/dark fantasy in the vein of Christopher Moore. If that sounds like something up your alley, please check out the page and show your support!

(Also, if you have any better ideas for names for the book, I am open to suggestion)

Review of My "Favourite" Wrestling Podcasts

I like professional wrestling. I like podcasts. Of course I'm going to put the two together for a listening entertainment smorgasbord. They're a great way to pass some time on my long bus ride to work or while going for a jog. I love to listen to interesting stories about weird and wonderful people (and trust me, there are few weirder than professional wrestlers).

There's no shortage of wrestling-related podcasts out there right now, these are just the handful that I listen to regularly. I usually don't touch anything produced by fans - everybody and their dog has opinions, and I'm not generally interested in wasting time listening to random Joe Schmo ramble about his for an hour. Not to mention the quality of the-fan produced shows usually remind me of the stuff I recorded with a tape recorder in my parent's basement when I was 10 years old.

I stick to professionally-produced podcasts by actual people who were or are in the pro wrestling business. They have the best insights, more knowledge of the industry and usually the best guests. If you're interested in checking out a show or two, here are my completely subjective reviews of five of the most popular, from best to worst. Enjoy!