But seas between us braid hae roar'd (#IWSG January 2019)

First a quick recap of December: Hell Comes to Hogtown was not chosen as a finalist for SPFBO 2018. That's cool, I was happy it did as well as it did, and I still feel vindicated over my performance from the year before. In fact, no one from my group was chosen as a finalist, because a judge from another group had two books they wanted to forward, handed one of them off to my judges, and they chose that second book as their finalist instead of any that were originally in their own group.

It's nice that this contest is open and transparent, but it's also weird seeing the behind the scenes workings that you don't usually have to think about.

The unfortunate part of not continuing in the contest is that my sales have completely dried up. After being chosen as a semi-finalist, my sales were better than they had ever been, and I was raking in regular positive reviews, too. Now that's all gone, and I suspect my sales will go back to their regular pattern of 1-2 books every 3 months. Without any new books scheduled in the immediate future I don't see a big change coming, so yeah, there are certainly some insecurities there.

I also won a small writing contest in December! A Facebook group I'm in, the "Grimdark Readers and Writers" group, held a contest were members submitted a story and they were blindly judged by other members of the group. Mine stood out because of course being me, I can't take anything seriously. Despite the theme and genre being "grimdark" my story was a 3000-word-long elaborate dick joke (no, seriously). Still, people really seemed to enjoy it, but it was nerve-wracking watching each round of the one-on-one, single elimination voting and counting the votes to see which story everyone preferred.

Silly me: I thought because people liked the story they might go try out some of my other works, especially the Werebear vs Landopus stories which are exactly the same style as my winning story (and are free on Kindle Unlimited). Of course, my win resulted in exactly one (1) new sale, so my hopeful expectations may have been slightly misplaced. Plus, one of the perks of winning the contest was to be interviewed on the Grim Tidings Podcast, one of my favourite podcasts about writing and publishing. Then a week after I won, they announced the Grim Tidings Podcast would not be continuing in 2019. Sigh.

Personal Non-Writing News

My wife's surgery was postponed again. Two days before the procedure was scheduled she ended up in the ER with a gallbladder attack. So now we're waiting to see the doctor to get that out before she can get the spinal cord stimulator trial. So yeah, December was a hectic, crazy month.

And Now the Good News:

You may have seen the news already, but here it is again: For the second year in a row, I will be featured in the annual IWSG Anthology! Yes, it's true, me, the guy whose work has been kicked out of writing competitions and had scathing reviews for being too obscene and inappropriate, will have a story included in a...

...anthology of Young Adult Romance?

Yeah, I don't know how it happened, either. Well, except that I wrote a story and submitted it and they chose it. But besides that, I have no idea, dude.

I know, Pierre, this is how I feel most days.

Here's a full list of the winning stories:

Oddly Suited by LG Keltner
Sea of Sorrows by AV Brown
Behind the Catcher’s Mask by Jennifer Lane
A Diver’s Ball by Angela Brown
Fearless Heart by Deborah Solice
The Dark Charade by CD Gallant-King
The Cog Prince by Elizabeth Mueller
Flower of Ronda by Myles Christensen
Remedy by Chelsea Ballard
Charleston Masquerade by Carrie-Anne Brownian 

A Huge Thank You to the IWSG Admin team, the judges and the crazy folks at Dancing Lemur Press for picking one of my oddball stories again. You guys have weird tastes, I'll give you that. Further details about MASQUERADE: ODDLY SUITED are of course still to come, but for up-to-the-minute info, be sure to check out the IWSG website.

Bonus Good News:

I mentioned this last week but being the middle of the holidays most of you probably didn't notice it: this year I will also once again be featured in the STRANGELY FUNNY VI anthology of comic supernatural stories published by Mystery and Horror! That's THREE years in a row for me with Strangely Funny, which I'm super proud of because I love their odd and quirky stories and my work fits perfectly in their collection.

Both Strangely Funny VI and Masquerade: Oddly Suited are scheduled to be released in April 2019. Keep an eye out for both of them!

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That's it for now. Thank you for sticking with me and reading through my up-and-down 2018. It had its rough spots, probably not as bad as 2017, but it was rocky none-the-less. Here's to 2019 continuing on this slight upswing and hopefully having a smoother road.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and your 2019 pans out to be all you want it to be. 

We twa hae run about the braes, 

and pou'd the gowans fine; 

But we've wander'd mony a weary fit, 

sin' auld lang syne.

The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group day. Writers post their thoughts on their blogs, talking about their doubts and the fears they have conquered. It's a chance for writers to commiserate and offer a word of encouragement to each other. Check out the group at http://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/.

2015 - A Great Year

I'm a few days late with this - my holidays were a whirlwind of doing nothing so I'm still recovering and putting things back together. At this point most people are looking forward to the new year (or slogging through their first day back to work) but I didn't want to miss the opportunity to look back at last year, even if it's a few days late.

In all seriousness, 2015 was a huge year for me so I wanted to take a moment and be thankful for all the great things that came along since I last did an update like this. I called 2014 a "pretty good year," but in all honesty this one has been many times better. Let's discuss, shall we?

1. First off, on March 13th (Friday the 13th no less!) we welcomed my daughter Evangeline into the world. She is beautiful and healthy and doing wonderful and the best little girl in the whole world. All you other parents out there with daughters will just have deal with it. She also makes these terrible growling sounds like a cross between Gollum and a Gremlin while smiling the whole time, and I'm afraid one of these days I'm going to wake up in the morning with her chewing on my face.

2. In addition the best little goblin girl, we have an amazing son named Benjamin who is just about to turn 4. It is utterly mindboggling to watch his continued growth from a baby to a boy, and I'm so proud of him. He's so smart and sensitive and perceptive and full of life. He's also massively stubborn and hard-headed, but knowing who is parents are it's hard to fault him for that.

Also, my wife refused to name our son Luke when he was born because she didn't want her kid named after a Star Wars character. Now, almost four-years later, he has retroactively become named after Han Solo's son. Score!

3. I self-published my first novel, Ten Thousand Days, on May 6, my birthday. For some people publishing their first book is the final step in a long struggle of many years. They work and tinker and query and write and rewrite and so on and so on. While I have done all of that, it wasn't with Ten Thousand Days. Ten Thousand Days was my test-run to see how publishing (particularly self-publishing) was going to go. It was the first step in what I plan to be a long journey. The things I've learned in this process is going to go into my next, better book, and the even better book after that one. I'm optimistic that 2016 is going to be a very big year for me, writing-wise, as I continue to develop and find my voice and pace.

Of course all that said, you can still buy Ten Thousand Days right here. Or here. Or here.

4. I had the steadiest blogging year ever since I started writing online. My overall hit count is no where near as high as last year (because I haven't written much at Rule of the Dice, which always generates good traffic), but I have more than doubled the hits on my personal web page, which is probably better in the long run. Better people come find me and get to know me at my own site than read funny Dungeons & Dragons stories from the faceless guy, right?

5. Also on the topic of writing, I released a short story on Halloween, Tentacles Under a Full-Moon. It was written as a joke but I liked the way it turned out so I made it available first for free and then as a $1 download at Amazon and other places. I've gotten quite a few downloads on that one and I think some people have even read it!

I also have a couple of other books and projects in progress that will likely see the light of day in 2016, first and foremost my spectacularly-failed crowdfunded novel. You'll hear more about that one very soon.

6. Improved on my running in all aspects - better times, longer distances, more work-outs - despite having a new baby, no energy and a messed-up schedule. In spite of the increased activity though, somehow I've actually gained 10 pounds from this point last year. Getting older sucks.

7. I did my first narration as I recorded an "audio book" version of Will Bly's touching (and crude) holiday tale "F*ck You Santa: A Christmas Story." It's available for free here from the fine folks at the Grim Tidings Podcast.



8. Speaking of which, I've greatly expanded my circle of friends and acquaintances online, talking to and getting to know lots of people in the writing, podcasting and gaming world. I've never been much of a social person so it's weird to have people I talk to even semi-regularly, especially since I've never met any of them face-to-face. I know most people first went through this experience like 15 years ago, but I'm just catching up now.

9. I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I've been waiting 30 years for that movie. That's all I have to say about it right now.

So that was my year in a nutshell. How was yours? What are you looking forward to in 2016?

F*ck You, Santa! A Christmas Story written by Will Bly, narrated by C.D. Gallant-King

I'm sure you're all rushing around madly trying to finish your last-minute holiday shopping/decorating/cleaning (assuming you celebrate this Friday's holiday in some form or another). However, in between your errands (and watching The Force Awakens), take a moment to stop and remember what this season's all about: Enjoying some hilarious and inappropriate Christmas-themed stories, narrated by yours truly.

That's right, for the first time ever, I've lent my dulcet tones to a wild and crazy tale about Santa Claus that I really cannot explain. You'll just have to listen to it yourself. Just don't let your kids listen to it. It kind of paints Santa in a less-than-flattering light.

The story was written by Will Bly, author of the awesome dark fantasy novel Ravens in the Sky that came out earlier this year. The audio is hosted and produced by our friends at the Grim Tiding Podcast (also available on iTunes), an excellent show for all things grimdark and fantasy that you should absolutely check out.

Check it out:


If you want to follow along at home, the eBook version of F*ck You, Santa! is currently available for free at Amazon, but only until Christmas. So grab it while you can! And if you can figure out how to stuff an eBook into someone's stocking, please let me know.

Have a safe and happy holiday season, everyone. And whatever you do, don't piss in Santa's milk!

FREE STORY! (Happy Halloween!)

Joyous Samhain!

In honour of All Hallow's Eve (and in association with the Trick-or-Treat Blog Hop and the Share-a-Scare Blog Hop), as promised today I'm giving away a weird and creepy story in the tradition of the season! So please don't egg my house!

The big news is that this is a BRAND NEW, never before seen tale by yours truly, and you're getting it ABSOLUTELY FREE! Grab it fast, cause this promotional event only lasts until November 1st! 

Here's the blurb:

A grimlark short story of hilarious misery. 

In a peaceful land of lush prosperity, an ancient eight-tentacled evil has risen to wreck unfathomable havoc. A simple, unassuming warrior named Huckle gathers together the bravest and most dysfunctional band of heroes in the kingdom to battle the beast, but they are fated only for the direst of suffering and failure. 

The only way to defeat a monster of this magnitude is with an even more horrifying monster... 

Huckle goes to hell and back and back again in this tragic tale of terrestrial cephalopods, ursine lycanthropes and explosive volcano drake diarrhea. 

Dark fantasy will never be the same. 

SUGGESTED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES: Contains coarse language, violence and candid descriptions of the genitalia of various fantasy races. 

With a forward by R.S. Matheny and Philip Overby, hosts of the Grim Tidings Podcast 

~~|~~

This story was inspired by a conversation on the Grim Tidings Podcast, between hosts R.S. Matheny and Philip Overby and their guest Will Bly. They said someone should write about werebears and land octopuses. I took that as a challenge.

The story is weird, creepy, funny and not for the faint of heart. As you can probably tell from the blurb, reader discretion is advised.

Here's where you can get it:

Download Tentacles Under a Full Moon at SMASHWORDS (Free!)

Download Tentacles Under a Full Moon at KOBOBOOKS (Free!)

It's also available at Amazon (US, Canada, UK and everywhere else), but it's not free because, you know, Amazon (still only a buck, though). You can get a Mobi file from Smashwords, so grab it there for your Kindle reader or app.


Don't forget: I'm not the only one giving away free books today! For the full list of everyone who's giving away a book or story for Halloween, check out below:

IWSG October: Wake Up, September's Over

So another month came and went. As you may have guessed, I DID NOT win the Nerdist Publishing contract. Several cools books did win, however, and you could do worse than to check them out. I ordered all of the top 5 myself, and I'm looking forward to checking them out when they drop in a couple of months.

I started the month hot and heavy, still with a some shreds of hope my book my catch on. I made a "cool" preview trailer:

I also did a fun interview, talking about my book, Inkshares and writing in general:

Sadly, neither of them lit up the Interwebz. Winning a contest like that, or crowdfunding a book (or anything) in general takes a ton of marketing, promotion, networking and selling that I just did not have the time or the energy to do right now. I accepted that weeks ago and moved on.

While the contest is over the crowdfunding campaign is still technically ongoing. The book is still available for pre-order until mid-November. If you sign up you still get a digital copy of my first book, Ten Thousand Days, and you'll get added to a mailing list to to be updated when the new book is officially (self-)published. Since there is probably only a 0.01% chance of the book getting funded at this point, you're basically getting that all completely free.

Outside of my misadventures in crowdfunding, it was actually a pretty cromulent month for writing. I re-wrote the ending for Hell Comes to Hogtown at least four times, but I'm finally feeling pretty good about it. After fixing that I took some time off from Hogtown to write a short story in response to a challenge from the Grim Tidings Podcast guys that I took far too seriously. Ten thousand words is way too long for a joke, by the way. I think the story actually turned out pretty good so you may see it pop up somewhere. With that out of the way, I dove headlong into hardcore editing (with the help of my fabulous, beautiful and talented editor, of course) for Hogtown which is slow but I think will ultimately make the work a lot better.

Slowly going through this baby with a chainsaw.

On top of that I've also made some concrete decisions and started outlining my next two projects, which I'm hyped about, but at the same time I'm trying not to get too far ahead of myself.

I'm excited to finally unleash Hogtown upon the world, but I'm reining in my impatience and holding off on dropping it prematurely like I did with Ten Thousand Days. I really want this to be a better, more polished book than my first one. I'm taking time with the editing and getting more feedback before rushing off to Amazon to hit the "Publish" button. I want to put a bit more thought into marketing and advertising. I want to get some review copies out early to hopefully grab some release-day reviews.

I originally wanted to have it out before Christmas but I've now accepted that it will probably be early next year. I have a date in mind but I'm not revealing it yet, just in case. Who knows what could happen, right? Right now I could almost believe it might be something good.

Like getting one of these awesome suits under the Christmas tree.

TL;DR version: Today, I'm not actually feeling insecure. I'm cautiously optimistic, and feeling productive and excited about my work, at least for the moment. I'm sure that once I'm knee deep in notes from the editor in a couple weeks, or when I'm struggling to convince people to buy and/or review the book in a couple of months, those feelings will be long evaporated. But for now, just for today, let's look on the bright side, m'kay?

The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group day. Writers post their thoughts on their blogs, talking about their doubts and the fears they have conquered. It's a chance for writers to commiserate and offer a word of encouragement to each other. Check out the group here.

My 5 Favourite Non-Wrestling Podcasts

A while back I wrote a post about my favourite podcasts hosted by pro-wrestlers. Since some of you may not be pro-wrestling fans (to which I have to ask - why not??), I decided to follow up with some other fun podcasts that don't feature people kicking or pile-driving each other.

Hopefully you all know what a podcast is, right? The name comes from an "iPod Broadcast," as it's a form of digital media you can download and listen to on your MP3 player. It's basically a radio program, but nowadays anyone can record one and put it out on the Internet for the world to hear. They are produced by major media corporations, celebrities and regular folks in their basement, and the quality and topics vary spectacularly, since anyone with a microphone and a computer can create one.  I listen to a lot of podcasts (while jogging as well as at work since many of my tasks are data-entry type deals that don't require a lot of concentration), and below you'll find a few of my favourites. I also highlight an episode or two of each to give you a good taste to get started.

All of these have their own sites where you can listen directly, as well as being available on iTunes (my preferred method of listening) as well as several other feeds. Find whichever one works best for you!

Catlike Reflexes
iTunes Link

Full disclosure - I personally know many of the people involved in this one, so maybe I'm biased, but it's still a lot of fun to listen in on a gang of smart funny people joking about nerd stuff. It's basically a round table of like-minded geeky folks riffing on a different topic every week: movies, comics, video games and other pop culture references. It's recorded live with everyone in the room and the audio quality is top notch - it often feels like you're just sitting at a party, listening in on a fun conversation.

Will you learn anything? Probably not. But it's fun and hilarious and it's an entertaining way to spend 30-45 minutes. Not all podcasts need to be serious interviews. As a busy guy without the disposable time to indulge in my nerd pursuits, I can live vicariously through them as they talk about all the best comic books and video games and that I'm missing out on. Or, if you're the kind of person who DOES follow web comics and Steam games, you can listen in and then argue with the hosts over their opinions on social media.

Best Episode: Zombie Planning - The gang shares their plans for how to survive the inevitable Zompocalypse.

Grim Tidings
iTunes Link

Do you like fantasy, particularly so-called "Grimdark" fantasy? Rob and Phil have your hookup! Two up-and-coming authors share news and stories about the sub-genre of Grimdark, but most importantly they also feature a variety of interesting guests - mostly authors but also publishers, designers and anyone else remotely connected to fantasy fiction - to provide candid interviews about their craft and the genre. They feature not only up-and-coming indy authors (from around the world, no less) but they also get high-profile guests like Victor Milan and R.A. Salvatore. The Salvatore show drops sometime in September and I think will be a huge deal for the show. This program is rapidly developing a big following and is definitely one to follow if you're into writing and/or fantasy fiction.

Best Episode: Whatever their latest one is, they improve every week. But if you're looking for one to start with, try their interviews Victor Milan, Dave de Burgh or Peter Newman. They're all great choices.

PodBros Promotions
iTunes Link

Formerly "The Guy Huddle," PodBros Promotions is the centerpiece in the ever-expanding PodBros network of podcasts, which features dozens of regular podcasts on a variety of topics, from geek fandom to comic books to sports to hunting to comedy and conspiracy theory and who knows what else; they seem to be adding new shows every other day.  Promotions focuses on promoting independent creators of all kinds, to give them a platform to tell the world a little about themselves and their projects. They've had writers, podcasters, artists, musicians (and yours truly) on board and if you're interested in just hearing different creators from all walks of life discuss their outlooks on how they make things and get their voices heard, this is the place to check out. And hey, you might learn about a new show, book or music that you'll come to really enjoy.

Best Episode: I could just tell you to listen to my episode, but really my favourite was their interview with Jack Wallen (Episode 31: The Zombie Huddle), a very successful independent author whose career I aspire to emulate.

CANADALAND
iTunes Link

This one may be less interesting to non-Canadians, but it isn't just a Canadian news program. This is an exercise in media criticism, questioning how and why the media reports on current events the way they do. The topics noted journalist Jesse Brown reports on can only be covered on a podcast because mainstream news outlets wouldn't touch his stories with a ten-foot pole. Investigating bribery and government manipulation in the media, cover-ups, ethics in journalism - he touches on everything. It's not just some conspiracy theory nuts, either; Jesse interviews respected journalists, writers and media personalities about real current events and stories, asking questions no one else will ask. If you're at all interested in how we consume media (and Canadian news and politics in particular) it's very fascinating stuff.

Best Episode: His interview with comedian Scott Thompson. I know, I know, he's had interviews with Anonymous and talked about all kinds of serious and important topics, but I'm a sucker for Scott Thompson. The only reason his podcast (The Scott Free Podcast) didn't make my list is because it's updated so sporadically.

One Shot
iTunes Link

There are a lot of podcasts out there about table-top role-playing games, and recording of people playing roleplaying games (I mean A LOT), but they all suck. This is the only one I've found I can listen to. Not only does it not suck, it may also be my favourite podcast, period.

For those of you familiar with these games, you know how much fun it can be sitting around a table with your friends and acting out the ridiculous adventures of your make-believe characters. The folks at One Shot take that interaction and turn it into an art-form. Their table is filled with actors, comedians and performers of all kinds (not all, but enough to urge the table along) and they turn the game into a performance that other people can listen to and enjoy. I have honestly never laughed so hard at a podcast as I do at some of the antics these guys and girls get up to. A role-playing session is very much like acting out a little play, and that's exactly what these folks create: It's like listening to an old-timey radio play, and it's absolutely glorious. Even if you're not familiar with role-playing games at all, check out an episode or two of One Shot to see what a perfect game should look like (at least in my humble opinion).

Best Episodes: The Dungeon World series (a version of Dungeons & Dragons, episodes 29-31) or Inspectres (a riff on Ghostbusters, episodes 70-71). Both made me laugh so hard I had tears running down my face. I was listening to them at work praying no one would ask me what was so funny. I hoped they would just assume my grandfather died or something.

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Hey all, don't forget I'm currently crowdfunding my next book in a vain attempt to get it picked up by The Nerdist. More info about it here, or you can go directly to Inkshares to support.