Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Why I'm Afraid of Nudity, Public


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Never Nude is the syndrome from which Tobias Fünke suffers which renders him unable to be naked instead wearing tight jean cutoffs under his clothes. It is not recognized by the DSM-IV. Annual conferences are held for those affected.
-Arrested Development Wiki

I briefly mentioned this in an earlier post, at the time thinking it was a joke, but I have since thought about it and I realized I went through a phase where this was absolutely the case.


I was never into organized sports, so I never experienced the joy of communal locker room naked Riverdancing (That's what goes on in there, right?). Ditto for actually showering after gym glass, and I wasn't the only one - our school had to specifically ban gym shorts and track pants from class because no one showered and everyone smelled all the time.

I hated, hated taking my clothes off in front of people as a kid. Being an awkward, chubby kid covered in acne didn't help.  I wore t-shirts swimming at the beach, and avoided public pools like a nudist plague because there was no way I was stripping down in the change room.

I was never as bad as Tobias, and I think I've mostly gotten over it (losing 30 pounds and getting past the acne helps tremendously).  I don't have many opportunities to strut around with my junk out, though, so I can't be 100% positive.  My employer certainly doesn't approve of Freebird Fridays, and don't get me started on the looks you get from parents at the playground.

If anyone has any suggests from prime streaking locales in our modern age, drop me a line.
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