Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Why I'm Afraid of Barbers

Come into my Parlor said the spider to the fly
Come into my barber's shop said Todd unto Toby
For a roughness I do detect about the throat I fear
Me thinks it would look better when cut from ear to ear
-From "Sweeney Todd"

So... You walk into a place of business where a minimum wage employee and total stranger yanks your head back and wields sharp implements around your neck and throat while paying more intention to pointless jabber about the weather and the scores to last night's game than he's paying to the deadly weapons in his hands. You have no idea if this guy is an undercover spy, a homicidal lunatic or if he's even sober. Why do people willingly do this on a regular basis, and then pay twenty bucks for it? Have you seen Sweeney Todd?

This is probably why I only get my hair cut every two or three months, and thus look like a slightly meatier version of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.

10 comments:

  1. lol, too funny :)

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    Replies
    1. Funny? Barber-related homicide is a rapidly-spreading epidemic across our nation! (Wait, where do you live? Wherever you live, it's happening there.)

      Delete
  2. Excellent point (no pun intended)! My brother was in two community theatre productions of Sweeney Todd, in the lead role. If your barber starts caressing sharp implements, run away.

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    Replies
    1. I hope that means your brother isn't being typecast. What kind of special "je ne sais quoi" could he be bringing to the role

      You know what, never mind, I don't want to know.

      Delete
  3. I think barber-related homicide is also known as "barbicide". Or that might be the name of the juice they put their combs in.

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    Replies
    1. I actually considered making that joke, but wouldn't barbicide be murder committed TO barbers? I would be perfectly fine with that mind you, I just want to make sure we can all agree on the terminology.

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  4. Replies
    1. I can also guarantee that I am at least 60-80% less stoned than any member of the Scooby Doo cast, so I have that going for me.

      Delete
  5. Funny. When I get my haircut, no one ever holds a blade to my throat. I think it'll be okay . . . Unless the barber is your x-wife.

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    Replies
    1. I want to go to your barber then!

      Seriously though, the back of your neck is only a flick of the wrist away from your throat. And you know they have quick little sticky fingers...

      Delete

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