Monday, April 14, 2014

Why I'm Afraid of Lycanthropy


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A werewolf is a human being who, upon the complete rising of the full moon, becomes a fearsome and deadly near-wolf. Werewolves can be easily distinguished from regular wolves by their shorter snout, more human-like eyes, the tufted tail, and their mindless hunting of humans whilst in wolf form.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not afraid of The Wolfman or clinical lycanthropy where people actually believe they are animals or hyptertirichosis (abnormal and severe hair growth all over the body) or even Taylor Lautner (though he could probably kick my ass), I have a very particular and specific fear of the French Canadian version of the werewolf, the Loup-Garou.


The French have always had a thing for werewolves. (Have you seen Brotherhood of the Wolf?  Overall a little slow but it has some killer action sequences.)  But when early French settlers came to Quebec the background of the werewolf (called Loup Garou or Rougarou in French) changed somewhat.  The Catholic priest missionaries used the legend as a cautionary tale.  They told superstitious settlers that if they did not go to Mass and receive Eucharist, they would be cursed by God and the Devil and turn into a werewolf.  I believe the specific terms were that you had to receive the Eucharist at least every year on Easter, and you had to take confession at least every seven years.  Break those rules and you be running across the countryside every night as a blood-crazed furry.

If those priests were right, then I'm fucked.  It's been years since I've been to Easter Mass, and probably getting close on seven for Confession.  My days as an only slightly-furry beast are numbered, and it's especially disturbing because my wife is not into hairy dudes.  So yeah, this may not go well.

Also, I wish they still talked about stuff like this in church.  I might go more often.

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