But seas between us braid hae roar'd (#IWSG January 2019)

First a quick recap of December: Hell Comes to Hogtown was not chosen as a finalist for SPFBO 2018. That's cool, I was happy it did as well as it did, and I still feel vindicated over my performance from the year before. In fact, no one from my group was chosen as a finalist, because a judge from another group had two books they wanted to forward, handed one of them off to my judges, and they chose that second book as their finalist instead of any that were originally in their own group.

It's nice that this contest is open and transparent, but it's also weird seeing the behind the scenes workings that you don't usually have to think about.

The unfortunate part of not continuing in the contest is that my sales have completely dried up. After being chosen as a semi-finalist, my sales were better than they had ever been, and I was raking in regular positive reviews, too. Now that's all gone, and I suspect my sales will go back to their regular pattern of 1-2 books every 3 months. Without any new books scheduled in the immediate future I don't see a big change coming, so yeah, there are certainly some insecurities there.

I also won a small writing contest in December! A Facebook group I'm in, the "Grimdark Readers and Writers" group, held a contest were members submitted a story and they were blindly judged by other members of the group. Mine stood out because of course being me, I can't take anything seriously. Despite the theme and genre being "grimdark" my story was a 3000-word-long elaborate dick joke (no, seriously). Still, people really seemed to enjoy it, but it was nerve-wracking watching each round of the one-on-one, single elimination voting and counting the votes to see which story everyone preferred.

Silly me: I thought because people liked the story they might go try out some of my other works, especially the Werebear vs Landopus stories which are exactly the same style as my winning story (and are free on Kindle Unlimited). Of course, my win resulted in exactly one (1) new sale, so my hopeful expectations may have been slightly misplaced. Plus, one of the perks of winning the contest was to be interviewed on the Grim Tidings Podcast, one of my favourite podcasts about writing and publishing. Then a week after I won, they announced the Grim Tidings Podcast would not be continuing in 2019. Sigh.

Personal Non-Writing News

My wife's surgery was postponed again. Two days before the procedure was scheduled she ended up in the ER with a gallbladder attack. So now we're waiting to see the doctor to get that out before she can get the spinal cord stimulator trial. So yeah, December was a hectic, crazy month.

And Now the Good News:

You may have seen the news already, but here it is again: For the second year in a row, I will be featured in the annual IWSG Anthology! Yes, it's true, me, the guy whose work has been kicked out of writing competitions and had scathing reviews for being too obscene and inappropriate, will have a story included in a...

...anthology of Young Adult Romance?

Yeah, I don't know how it happened, either. Well, except that I wrote a story and submitted it and they chose it. But besides that, I have no idea, dude.

I know, Pierre, this is how I feel most days.

Here's a full list of the winning stories:

Oddly Suited by LG Keltner
Sea of Sorrows by AV Brown
Behind the Catcher’s Mask by Jennifer Lane
A Diver’s Ball by Angela Brown
Fearless Heart by Deborah Solice
The Dark Charade by CD Gallant-King
The Cog Prince by Elizabeth Mueller
Flower of Ronda by Myles Christensen
Remedy by Chelsea Ballard
Charleston Masquerade by Carrie-Anne Brownian 

A Huge Thank You to the IWSG Admin team, the judges and the crazy folks at Dancing Lemur Press for picking one of my oddball stories again. You guys have weird tastes, I'll give you that. Further details about MASQUERADE: ODDLY SUITED are of course still to come, but for up-to-the-minute info, be sure to check out the IWSG website.

Bonus Good News:

I mentioned this last week but being the middle of the holidays most of you probably didn't notice it: this year I will also once again be featured in the STRANGELY FUNNY VI anthology of comic supernatural stories published by Mystery and Horror! That's THREE years in a row for me with Strangely Funny, which I'm super proud of because I love their odd and quirky stories and my work fits perfectly in their collection.

Both Strangely Funny VI and Masquerade: Oddly Suited are scheduled to be released in April 2019. Keep an eye out for both of them!

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That's it for now. Thank you for sticking with me and reading through my up-and-down 2018. It had its rough spots, probably not as bad as 2017, but it was rocky none-the-less. Here's to 2019 continuing on this slight upswing and hopefully having a smoother road.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and your 2019 pans out to be all you want it to be. 

We twa hae run about the braes, 

and pou'd the gowans fine; 

But we've wander'd mony a weary fit, 

sin' auld lang syne.

The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group day. Writers post their thoughts on their blogs, talking about their doubts and the fears they have conquered. It's a chance for writers to commiserate and offer a word of encouragement to each other. Check out the group at http://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/.

2018 Year in Review (5-Year Plan Revisited)

Two years ago for the IWSG December post, I talked about my 5-year plan as a writer. Last year I touched base as to my current progress on those goals, and today I'll look at them again. Remember, these are 5-year goals, so even if I haven't met them yet, I still have 3 more years to go. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Who knows what the new year will bring?

FIVE YEAR GOALS (2 years in)

Write 3-5 books.
-Nothing to add for this one, unfortunately. I tinkered on a few books, but didn't come close to finishing anything. Total: 2 revised/rewritten books, but 0 new books.

Submit at least 3 books to agents/publishers.
-Ditto. At least I didn't submit any NEW books. I did submit the one I wrote last year a few times, but my total still stands at 1.

Self-publish 2-3 (full length) books.
-Nope. Total: 0.

Self-publish at least 1 Werebear vs Landopus story per year.
-This was not in the original 5-year plan, but I added it last year, and I succeeded with it again this year. The WvL stories are each well over 10K words long, so they're significant enough blocks of work, but nowhere near a full-length novel. Total: 2 for 2!

Write at least 2 short stories per year and submit them to anthologies/magazines.
-Here's one category where I actually met and surpassed my goals. Two of the stories I submitted last year were published (in Tick Tock: A Stitch in Crime and Strangely Funny V). I also wrote 5 new stories this year, submitted two of them for publication (one of which was accepted - see below), and had a third enter (and win!) a small online writing competition (I'll have details on that one later). There's also another story I wrote last year that I'm still trying to find a home for.

Collect at least 100 rejections.
-I received only 5 rejections I believe this year, as compared to about 15 last year. That's just due to quantity; my submission rate has slowed along with my writing, and while I submitted a greater number of different stories this year, I had the same story rejected like 13 times last year. So my lifetime total stands at somewhere around 40 rejections, not including non-responses. I'm going to have to pick up the pace a little bit to make sure I hit that 100 rejections mark in the next 3 years.

Some News To Celebrate:

For the third year in a row, one of my stories will be appearing in Mystery & Horror's STRANGELY FUNNY anthology series. I just got the word last week that STRANGELY FUNNY VI will feature my story "Eyewear of the Damned" when it's released this April. The last two volumes have featured some weird, creepy and hilarious comic horror stories, so it's always an honour to be part of this collection. I'll have more details when they're available.

I hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday season, and that the New Year is wonderful to you all.

Apparently I'm a Rising Author?

A couple of weeks ago I was tagged by the lovely and talented C.G. Coppola to participate in the Rising Author Tag. Personally I think I kinda plateaued years ago, but if someone else thinks I'm "rising" who am I to judge? ;-) Of course I didn't notice the tag at the time, but I eventually picked up on it (Thanks, Loni!) so here we go! The rules are simple:

• Thank the person who tagged you (thank you, C.G.!!)
• Answer the questions they came up with.
• Nominate four people to do the tag (no tagging the person who tagged you originally).
• Come up with 10 new questions for the people you nominated.

So without further ado:

What are you currently working on?
A bunch of stuff, honestly. I'm in the middle of a short story that I was writing for someone for Christmas, I hope I still have time to get that finished. I've also got ideas for Werebear vs. Landopus Part 4 that I'm itching to put into words. But the next "big" project I'm slowly making progress on may or may not be a sequel to what may or may not be Hell Comes to Hogtown. Allegedly. I can neither confirm nor deny anything.

Are you a plotter or a panster?
I hate to admit it but I'm a pantser. I want to be a plotter because I always imagine having a firm outline will make the writing easier (and avoid the dozens of re-write I usually have to do), but I find whenever I plot too much I lose interest in actually finishing the story. It's like once I know everything that will happen, I'm no longer interested in writing it.

If you could re-write any of your books, would you? And which one(s)?
I actually completely rewrote Ten Thousand Days last year, so that one's good. Honestly if I could re-write anything it would be one of the seven or eight unpublished books I have in The Closet. None of them are publishable in their current state, but some of them have good ideas in there I would love to use. It's just a matter of finding the time and energy to re-write them when there's so much NEW stuff I want to work on.

How long does it typically take you to write a book/story?
It varies tremendously. The original first draft of Ten Thousand Days took about 72 hours. Hell Comes to Hogtown took 18 months from writing the first lines to release day. I have another manuscript I'm submitting now that I originally wrote in less than 20 days, but the re-writing and revising took about 3 years. It shouldn't come as a surprise that those shorter timelines all happened before I was married and had kids. These days I have way less free time so even a 5000 word short story often takes up to a month to write.

Of all your characters, who do you wish could be real?
That's a tough one. A lot of my characters are horrible, annoying and/or gross, so I'm not sure I really want any of them to be real. Sister Siouxsie Cue from The Gun Nun would be fun, but she probably wouldn't want to hang out with me. Same with Dee from Hell Comes to Hogtown. My characters are way more interesting than me, and would likely steer well clear of me at a dinner party.

How many drafts do you go through?
A lot. Too many. Once I finish the first draft, then I usually write the outline to see if what I wrote fits a sensical narrative structure. It inevitably doesn't, so then I have to start adding and removing scenes, and moving stuff around so that it makes sense. Then there are multiple passes to fix grammar, clarity, voice, etc. Often I have to do this multiple times from different characters' point of view. Then it goes to the editor and they have a round or two of revision, too. How many drafts is that? I don't count them, I just see it more as an organic, growing process. Sometimes I work on small sections, sometimes I work on the whole piece, but the work overall is constantly evolving and changing.

When do you tend to write? Early or late?
Both. It's either early in the morning before the rest of the house gets up, or late at night after everyone's gone to sleep. Sometimes I write on my lunch break, and I used to write during my bus commute to and from work. So basically I write anytime I can find the free moments to do so.

Do you listen to music while you write?
Almost always. Sometimes it's to set a particular mood and get me in the right frame of mind, but usually it's just to drown out the world around me. Kind of like a sonic barrier. When I wrote on the bus I would crank my music up all the way to block out all the noise and sound around me, in my headphones of course. Writing is probably ruining my hearing.

What is your least favorite thing about writing?
I think I mentioned it before, but it's definitely the revising part. That's why I have so many manuscripts that's just a first draft - I find going back to re-write and revise a monumental task. Honestly I would rather market and write query letters than revise. I like to say Writing is fun, but revising is work, and I truly believe it.

What is your most favorite thing about writing?
As a corollary to the previous question, my favourite part is writing the first draft. When the story is new and fresh and flowing freely, everything is very fun and exciting. I guess it's like a new relationship. Every day is a new adventure with new things to discover. I guess that means revising is like an older, established relationship, where everything is a slog and you have to work to stay together? I'm going to stop this analogy before I get in trouble.

I have no idea why this tree has giant, throbbing testicles.

And now as a Christmas present to you all... I'm NOT going to tag anyone else! Actually I'm just tired and it's late and I can't think clearly enough to come up with 10 more questions. :-) Here I am ruining the game, I'm terribly unfun, I know. But if anyone reads this and WANTS to answer those ten questions (or ten similar questions), GO for it. I was trying to come up with questions about secret author goals and personal measures of success but I kept dozing off. Maybe I'll try again in the New Year.

I hope you all have a fun and safe holiday season. May you relax and not feel bad about missing your word counts, and hopefully all get a good book or two under the tree (or other appropriate cultural festive decoration).

Peace, love and hugs!

Sure this is cute now, but wait until you come home and there house is covered with broken glass and the cat has tinsel hanging out of its butt.

Santa Claus Lives In Canada

Officially, according to international law, no nation owns territorial rights over the North Pole. So shouldn't that mean that Santa Claus is a resident of no country? A citizen of the whole world, as it were?

Sort of. Five nations have borders that overlap the Arctic Circle, and thus occasionally, unofficially, try to stake claim to the North Pole (especially the potentially resource-rich seabed beneath). All five of them also claim to have direct lines to Santa, but one of them is obviously trying way harder than the others.

In Denmark and Norway, kids send their letters for Santa to Copenhagen and Oslo, respectively, where helpful postal workers "pass on" the mail to the Big Man up North, and he sometimes sends personalized replies. In Russia, the government encourages kids to use standardized templates for their letters and not to include personalized information like their age, address and school to avoid their identities being stolen (because Russia).

In the United States, kids only get replies from Santa if they send their letters along with a self-addressed, stamped envelope... and also include's Santa's reply, hand-written by their parents. I swear, that's seriously how they do it. At least they mail them to the post office in Anchorage, Alaska, which I guess is sorta close to the North Pole.

You know. Relatively speaking.

But in Canada, we do it right. Kids in Canada (and technically from around the world) can write letters to Santa Claus at:

Santa Claus
North Pole H0H 0H0
Canada

That's it. No weird PO boxes or redirects to post-offices in the capital city. Santa Claus has his very own, custom postal code ("Ho, Ho, Ho," get it?) You don't even need to add a stamp; it will get delivered if you just put a glow-in-the dark Minions sticker on the corner instead. And the best part? He always sends back a personalized letter in return.

Since 1981, Canada Post has run a program where hundreds of volunteers open, read and respond to children's letters to Santa received from around the country and the world. In 2017 alone, over 1.6 million letters were answered, requiring over 200,000 volunteer hours to accomplish. Even the Amazon warehouse can't process orders that efficiently, and they pay their employees! (well, sort of)

Even this year, when a postal workers labour strike delayed some mail delivery, the program continued and the post office urged kids to keep writing their letters (they just had to make the deadline to get them in a little earlier). I know some people grumble at postal workers, but I can't find fault with anyone who devotes so much time and energy to making little kids happy.

I think the strike had something to do with them forcing everyone to wear these dumb hats.

Sure, lots of places lay claim to being the home of Santa Claus. The real Saint Nicholas lived and died in 4th-century Turkey. The cities of Bari and Venice in Italy both claim to house the bones of St. Nick, stolen from their resting place during the Crusades. Somehow this makes them a tourist attraction, though I don't know how you explain the grave-robbing part to kids. A tiny village in Alaska, which changed it's name to "North Pole," has a pretty good gig going, though I doubt the real Santa has a 50-foot tall statue of himself in his front yard.

I also suspect there's significantly less barbed-wire at the real North Pole.

The province of Lapland in Finland has long been rumoured to be the home of Father Christmas (though other Scandinavians vehemently disagree). When Eleanor Roosevelt visited the city of   Rovaniemi, Lapland during a 1950 post-war reconstruction tour, she insisted on meeting Santa Claus, so the locals quickly built a cabin and told her it belonged to him. The First-Lady was apparently satisfied, and I can't figure out if the Finns were making fun of her or not. They did, however, turn that hastily-built cabin into a massive theme park that now sees 500,000 visitors a year, which is further proof that Europeans are good at suckering Americans.

But for all the claims, I think the best one is clearly with Canada. We have a legitimate postal code for Kris Kringle, and he always finds a way to write you back. The North Pole obviously has a red and white maple leaf flag flying over it.

Just don't tell the United Nations about it.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

And So We Wait (#IWSG December 2018)

This week I should hear whether my book makes the cut to the finals of SPFBO 2018. Like I said, I really don't expect anything, but the waiting still sucks.

I did get a few sales and reviews from the pre-Thanksgiving SPFBO 99-cents sale, so that was nice. Nowhere near as big of a bump as I received for the first sale in August, but that one nicely coincided with HELL COMES TO HOGTOWN being long-listed as a semi-finalist, so the sales were boosted by the buzz.

I've also got several stories out on submission, as well as a full manuscript, so there's that.

The biggest waiting though is for my wife's surgery. Funnily enough, we were waiting for same thing this time last year. Some of you may know that she suffered a spinal injury last year which has put her off work and mostly out of commission ever since.  She had the first surgery back in January of this year that only partially fixed the problem, and still left her with continuing pain. Now she's scheduled for a procedure a few days before Christmas to have a spinal cord stimulator implanted in her back to try and ease some of that pain. This is just a temporary trial to see if it will work - for some people the device causes a huge improvement that greatly improves their quality for life, for others it does next to nothing. The nervous system is a strange beast. The surgery was originally scheduled for yesterday but it got pushed back two weeks, fingers crossed it happens this time.

And then we wait to see if it works...

December 5 question

What are five objects we'd find in your writing space?

I can and will write anywhere, so realistically you could find anything in my writing space. If you asked me while I was writing Hell Comes to Hogtown, I would have found things like a screaming baby, a passed out drunk and that obnoxious guy singing along to his iPod (I wrote it on the bus).

Right now, in The Closet (which I still haven't really used for actual writing) you will find:

1. The main water shut off valve for the house
2. The fuse box
3. Boxes of Christmas decorations
4. My wife's craft supplies
5. A box of rejection letters

Besides my computer itself, that last one is the only thing that's really "mine." ;-)

Anyway, in case I don't check in again, I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday season! If you will excuse me, I'm going back to waiting...

...hopefully it doesn't all blow up in my face.

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The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group day. Writers post their thoughts on their blogs, talking about their doubts and the fears they have conquered. It's a chance for writers to commiserate and offer a word of encouragement to each other. Check out the group at http://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/.

99 BOOKS for 99 CENTS EACH! (#SPFBO2018 Promotion)

It's here! Your chance to get a ton of great fantasy books for under a buck each!

As part of the ongoing competition to decide the best self-published fantasy book of 2018, a number of the authors involved have joined together to hold another massive sale, offering 100 books for just 99 cents each for a limited time (special thanks to Travis Riddle and Dave Woolliscroft for spearheading this latest promotion).

CLICK HERE FOR A LIST OF ALL THE $0.99 BOOKS

The finalists for the 2018 Self-Published Fantasy Blog-Off are scheduled to be chosen before the end of December. Some of the books included in this sale are going to be among those finalists. One of them could even be the ultimate winner. For you hipsters out there, this is your LAST CHANCE to be able to say "I read that book before it was cool."

The sale runs from November 15-19, just in time to grab something to read instead of talking to your relatives over the holidays. The sale includes a number of sub-genres of fantasy, including Epic/High, Urban, Dark, Historical, Comedy, you name it! My book, HELL COMES TO HOGTOWN is in there, so be sure to pick up a copy if you haven't already. It's also still in the competition, so who knows? Maybe I'll be one of the finalists myself! (I won't)

GET IT HERE FOR $0.99

In conjunction with the 99c sale, my story TENTACLES UNDER A FULL MOON is also available for FREE right now on Amazon Kindle. It's the first part of the Werebear vs. Landopus series, and since I just dropped part 3 (THE GUN NUN), now would be a perfect time to pick up the introductory story and dive in.

GET IT FREE RIGHT HERE

Both of these sales run from November 15-19, so don't delay! Head on over to Travis Riddle's website right away for a list of all the participating titles!

CLICK HERE FOR A LIST OF ALL THE $0.99 BOOKS

Lots of News (#IWSG November 2018)

First the good news: I finished the renovations on the Closet! 

Then the bad news: I haven't actually used it to do any writing yet.

Then other good news: I have actually done a fair bit of writing in the last month, just not in The Closet. I finished and submitted one story, and I'm in the middle of two others. I've been scraping to find time to write whenever and wherever I am, I just haven't had time to sit down and do it at my desk.

Sitting down to write this post actually reminds me that I have a bunch of writing-related stuff going on, so I shall get down to it.

THE GUN NUN

For those who didn't stop by on Halloween (shame on you), I have a new story available on Amazon Kindle: THE GUN NUN, the continuing misadventures in the Werebear vs Landopus series.

This long short story (I hate the word "novelette") follows a new character, Sister Siouxsie Cue, a nun of the Gunpowder God, as she hunts a troll and spreads the Good Word of the Gun on her way. While it's technically part of the Werebear vs Landopus series, it stands alone, and you don't really have to read "Tentacles Under a Full Moon" or "Revenge of the Lycanterrancephalopod" to get this one (though the epilogue will make a lot more sense if you do).

If you have read the other stories, you know what to expect: irreverent, black humour with cringe-inducing adult situations in a fantasy setting. A few people have compared it to a Dungeons & Dragons game. It's not technically LitRPG (which is a very specific subgenre), but I see where the comparisons come from. Like any good D&D game, the characters in the WvL series are nuts, argumentative, and often die in random, horrific ways.

The Gun Nun is just 99 cents on Amazon, or free on Kindle Unlimited. If you want a review copy, hit me, up, I know the publisher.

SPFBO $0.99 SALE

The Self-Published Fantasy Blog-Off lumbers on. The Top-Ten Finalists are supposed to be chosen by the end of December. For those who remember, Hell Comes to Hogtown was chosen as a semi-finalist way back at the beginning of August, and the the final semi-finalist in my group was just chosen this week. The reviewers running my bracket has said they will cull their 6 semi-finalists down to their choice for the finals by the end of November.

I'm not holding my breath on moving onto the next round. When I saw the original bracket I was 99% sure I knew who was moving onto the finals before the contest even started, and based on the reviews so far my prediction hasn't changed. But that's okay. I'm already super honoured and pleased to have gotten as far as I have, and my book has already seen a nice boost in sales and reviews thanks to the contest.

That said, there will be one more 99-cent SPFBO sale coming November 15-19, just in time for the Holidays. Hell Comes to Hogtown and somewhere between 70-100 other SPFBO entrants (not sure what the final tally is yet) will be available for just 99 cents that week, so be sure to swing by and grab yourself some cool fantasy books on the cheap! Unfortunately I don't have the direct link for the full list of participating titles yet, but I will share it as soon as it becomes available.

(I also have it on good authority that "Tentacles Under a Full Moon" will be available for FREE during that same period, for anyone looking to get into the Werebear vs Landopus series).

November 7 Question

How has your creativity in life evolved since you began writing?

This is an interesting one. Overall my creativity has gone down since I started writing seriously. Or maybe I should say the variety of my creativity has gone down. I used to paint, draw, act, play music, do woodcraft, play and make games. As I've gotten older my free time has become less and less, so I've had to focus on one thing. Writing was the obvious choice since it's been my passion since I was a kid, plus I'm pretty shitty at most of the other stuff I listed. Still, I've daydreamed recently about getting on a stage and making a fool of myself, or picking up a guitar and learning a few new songs. And I'm always ready to throw down to play a creative roleplaying game, if time permits. Maybe one day I'll have free time again.

Oh, and maybe I'm making some crappy illustrations for a silly children's book (shh, don't tell anyone).

The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group day. Writers post their thoughts on their blogs, talking about their doubts and the fears they have conquered. It's a chance for writers to commiserate and offer a word of encouragement to each other. Check out the group at http://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/.