The Objective Ranking of Star Wars Films

To mark the release of The Rise of Skywalker this week, I'm going to add to the probably thousands of lists of best Star Wars movies you've read lately with my own. Of course, mine is different, because my method of ranking is highly objective, using vigorous scientific and journalistic tests to break down exactly how good each film in the series is.

(And by vigorous tests of course I mean I just re-watched the movies and read other people's lists)

Okay, I know it's not a good way to build your trust by putting a bunch of lies right in the title and first paragraph, but obviously nothing is completely objective. You just gotta trust my opinion, okay? It seems like these days if enough people just keep saying the same thing over and over it becomes true, whether or not it started that way.

Without furthers ado...

10. Attack of the Clones
This is just a bad film. Poor story, terrible acting, lousy directing. There's a couple of neat action scenes but overall it's so clunky. One of the big plot pieces is supposed to be the romance between Anakin and Padme, but they have absolutely no chemistry. I watched this movie with my 6yo and whenever Anakin and Padme were onscreen, he asked "When is Obi-Wan and Jango Fett coming back? These two are so awkward."

The greatest crime George Lucas ever committed was making Natalie Portman unpleasant to watch.

9. The Phantom Menace
I remember this was so disappointing when it first came out. Even the parts that I originally thought were kinda neat, like the lighstaber duels, now look overly-choregraphed and yet dull at the same time. I don't have a hard-on against Jar Jar Binks like some people do, at least he was fun (and I recognized it was for kids), but having an actual child as a lead, especially with a director who can't give direction to actors to save his life (sorry, George) was a TERRIBLE idea. I feel bad for Jake Lloyd, and most of the people involved in this.

Someone should have slapped George Lucas when he suggested this, and saved that poor kid a lot of therapy in later life.

8. Revenge of the Sith
Saying Revenge of the Sith is the best movie of the Prequel Trilogy is like saying dying is the best part of the Bubonic Plague. At least it's over. Now that I think about it, while I was originally disappointed in Episodes I and II, I remembered being actively mad about Episode III when I first saw it. It was like there was a checklist Lucas knew he had to hit to make all the plot points line up with the next movie, and he went about hitting them with all the subtlety of an octopus with eight sledgehammers. Why did Anakin and Obi-Wan's fight have to be so ridiculous? Why did Obi-Wan win by being three feet up a slight incline? Why did he just leave Anakin for dead, but randomly take his lightsaber on his way out? Did Natalie Portman seriously die of broken heart? (Would it really have been so bad to have Vader just kill her outright?) And the infamous "NOOOOOO!" at the end... seriously?

Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I should bump this down a couple spots. At least Ian McDiarmid was fun.

Honestly Ian McDiarmid was one of the only redeeming factors in this movie, and the only actor in the entire trilogy (except maybe Christopher Lee and Ewan McGregor in moments) who understood what kind of movie this was supposed to be - goofy, unadulterated cheese .

7. Return of the Jedi
I know, rating one of the original trilogy this low is blasphemy, but the more I thought about it, the more problems there are with this film. It makes no sense that the Ewoks defeat the Empire. The lightsaber duel is ho-hum. Han Solo becomes a complete doofus, bumbling through everything like comic relief instead of the cool hero he's supposed to be (I guess getting frozen in Carbonite caused lasting brain damage). I still have to awkwardly explain why Darth Vader dies to anyone who watches the movie with me. It's so weirdly depicted in the scene, but after the way his wife died I guess he did okay. As a kid, I thought this movie was awesome, but when it was re-released in 1997 I actually fell asleep watching it in the theatre. It really does not hold up like Star Wars and Empire.

Harrison Ford obviously didn't give a shit, so why should we?

6. The Force Awakens
This film was a huge relief when I saw it in the theatres a few years ago. After the prequel trilogy it was wonderful to have Star Wars in a familiar direction again. Perhaps it was a bit too familiar - plenty has been written and discussed about how Force Awakens follows the original Star Wars almost beat for beat - which is the only reason I rate this so low. That doesn't mean it's bad, though. Being the sixth best Star Wars movie is still a pretty damn good movie. I love the new characters - Rey, Finn, Poe, Kylo - they're much more interesting than anything we saw in the prequel movies by a long shot. My biggest gripe about this movie was that we didn't get to see Luke Skywalker until the last 30 friggin' seconds.

I waited 32 years, and sat through a two hour movie, for that?

5. Solo
The least-financially successful Star Wars movie to date, I thought this one was treated a bit unfairly because it was actually a lot of fun. Sure, it wasn't Harrison Ford. Sure, there were some dumb parts (he's named Han Solo WHY?). And god knows it wasn't necessary to flesh out Han's backstory, but it was entertaining and told a great heist story. The fate of the the galaxy didn't hang in the balance, which was also a nice change of pace. There's a lot of stories to tell in the Star Wars universe that don't involve blowing up planets or the cross-generational trauma of the Skywalker family. Even if we don't get any Solo follow-ups, I hope we see Donald Glover as Lando Calrissian again somewhere down the line.

If Disney seriously wants to make money, they need to make a Lando backstory movie, starring Donald Glover and narrated by Billy Dee Williams.

4. Rogue One
This one is weird, because while being a totally unnecessary prequel, it's also really good. It's purely a war movie, and it works very well. This could have been set in World War II with a few tweaks and it would have worked just as well, maybe even better. The nods to the prequel and original trilogies were great (if a bit over the top in places), and it also satisfyingly broke numerous tropes. No romance angles (not really, anyway)! And the shocking ending (well, as shocking as can be for a movie where we know the ending going in). Not to mention Darth Vader looking like a bad ass for the first time since Empire Strikes Back. This movie was just so much fun.

Remember, this is the guy who said "apology accepted" after brutally murdering his own admiral. Cheesy lines at inappropriate times is Vader's speciality.

3. The Last Jedi
I don't care what the haters say, this is quite possibly the best Star Wars movie ever made. The only reason I didn't rank number one is because of the nostalgia factor in the next two entries on my list. I was tempted to put it at number one just to piss people off.

It had it all. Action, suspense, drama, comedy, all things Star Wars is supposed to have. Sure there were dumb parts, but ALL Star Wars movies have dumb parts (The rocking X-wings in the original movie? Luke learning telekinesis... how, exactly, after never having seen anyone do it? Literally everything about Return of the Jedi?). They are overblown cheesy Sci-Fi movies, after all. I loved the relationship between Rey and Kylo. Kylo is my favourite dark side character in the series, because he actually seems conflicted, and his misplaced rage and anger against his family is believable. Most Star Wars villains are cartoon bad guys (which is fine) or whatever the fuck Hayden Christiansen was trying to do, but Kylo is an actual person. And I LOVED Luke Skywalker as a fallen, broken old man. This is a guy who had fought against evil his whole life, had personally killed more people than probably anyone else in the Civil War (he pulled the trigger on the shot that blew up the Death Star and killed MILLIONS of humans beings onboard), he had faced down Vader and the Emperor and won, and yet despite all of that, it didn't matter. Evil still rolled on and fascism and tyranny continued. And what did he do, when the thought he failed? He fled and hid, the same way his masters (Obi-Wan and Yoda) had taught him to do when they failed. It's crushing and brutal and shows the depth of the trauma running through his family.

Yeah, I could talk all day about The Last Jedi, but I'll move on.

I get giddy whenever I watch this scene.

2. The Empire Strikes Back
This is often cited as the "perfect" Star Wars movie, which is a pretty strong argument. It's is sometimes also called the last "good" Star Wars movie, which is total bullshit. But it is very, very good. It's got my favourite lightsaber duel of the original trilogy by far, and possibly the best of any of the films. It's got original, annoying/quirky/creepy Yoda (in puppet form!). It's got Lando in all his suave glory. It's got Han being all scoundrelly (and honestly, perhaps a little too forward and pushy, since Leia tells him to take his hands off her. Repeatedly).

And don't get me started on that ridiculous dinner scene. Personally I love that scene, but the more you think about it the more it becomes hands-down the weirdest scene in the Original Trilogy (and this is the same movie where Luke has that acid flashback of cutting his own head off that everyone always forgets about).

How long was Vader sitting there waiting for them? Did they actually sit down to dinner after this? Why wasn't THAT scene added in the Special Edition? I want to see the awkward conversation at this table, like Vader asking Leia to pass the mashed potatoes. 

1. Star Wars
While I can't argue that Empire is objectively a better-made movie, nothing beats the original. The Original Star Wars (I hate calling it "A New Hope") just has an earnest fun to it that has never been captured since. Episode VII and VIII came closest, but they are too big budget and flashy to really have the gritty, raw look and feel to it, while at the same time being a cheesy, goofy sci-fi flick. Star Wars takes itself so seriously now. George Lucas originally wanted to make a campy modern version of Buck Rogers, and that's exactly what he did. He did not have a big bible of encyclopedia backstory when he made this movie - he just literally made shit up as he went along, and it was all the more glorious because of it.

Case in point: Both Lucas and Harrison Ford have been quoted as saying, when asked questions about the plot/characters by Mark Hamill during filming: "You're thinking about this too much kid. It's not that kind of movie."

I wish we could all remember that more often these days. (Says the guy who just wrote a thousand words about the ranked quality of each film).

Always remember when having arguments about these movies: There's a half-naked man in pink hot pants just off-screen holding a boom mic.

***

Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker opens tomorrow. It may be awesome or it may suck, but I'm going to go see it and have a ball. It's what I'm looking forward to the most this Christmas! 

What about you? What's your favourite Star Wars movie? Are you looking forward to the latest one?

May the Force be With You this holiday season!

Hugs & Kisses,

-CDGK

May the 4th Be With You (And Roll to Dodge)

NERD ALERT: This post is mostly about role-playing and table-top games, and features lots of stories of me playing with my friends when we were teenagers. Your interest in the topic may vary tremendously.

For those who don't care about RPG's, I throw in a few funny behind the scenes pictures from Star Wars. Those are always good for a laugh.

I wrote a long post last year on the 40th Anniversary of Star Wars so I won't bombard you with that again, nor will I get into a debate about whether The Last Jedi was good or not (I quite enjoyed it, and it's FAR from the worst Star Wars movie). I did want to at least recognize the passing of this most holy day on the Jedi calendar in some way, though.

Last year I mentioned that in my early teens my friends and I played a Star Wars role-playing game (think Dungeons & Dragons but with lasers and spaceships instead of swords and monsters) obsessively for about a year and a half. We were always playing something, but Star Wars was probably our favourite. We played at least 2 or 3 times a week after school, and any time I wasn't playing I was thinking of ideas for our next session. We played so hard I actually wore-out the hardcover rule book. I still have it, with a broken spine and a ripped cover and half the pages dog-eared and falling out.

This guy. Except my copy looks like something that was pulled out of a 1000-year-old urn at from the bottom of the Dead Sea.

There was a number of guys that cycled in an out of our group, and some memorable characters cycled in-and-out. The core gang was myself as game master and four players, who I think I mentioned in my last post. They started out as a gang of rough, travelling hobos and stoners who grew up to be famous heroes that changed the fate of the galaxy. The original characters were actually based on characters from The Stoned Age, a coming-of-age movie set in the 70s.

Our de-facto leader was Wookie Nookie, a 7-foot tall human who looked like Jim Morrison crossed with Jerry Garcia. He was a "Quixotic" Jedi, an old stoner who claimed he had learned the ways of the Force from Yoda back in the day but had been in hiding since the rise of the Empire. No one really believed him, but of course it turned out he actually was a Jedi and eventually became Luke Skywalker's right-hand-man in a new Jedi Academy decades later. Yes, he had a terrible name but remember, these characters all started out as stoner jokes.

This picture creeps me out for some reason.

His side-kick was a Jedi Apprentice named Kan Saga, who had learned a bit about the Force before losing his original teacher and being forced to follow Wookie's teaching. He was the young naive guy who was corrupted by Wookie in both the ways of the Force and lifestyle, but eventually both became powerful and respected Jedi Knights. But Kan was always itching to defeat a Dark Jedi in single combat, which leads us too...

Chris Bahn was our cocky but straight-laced pilot, a Rebel fighter ace who had such a broad story I don't even remember all the details. After helping the Rebellion win the war against the Empire he got married, had kids, ran a successful galaxy-wide shipping business and even found time to start training as a Jedi, too. He was never as powerful as Kan or Nookie, though, which ultimately led to him accidentally turning to the Dark Side. I say "accidentally" because it happened on a random, really unlucky roll (remember, this was actually a game with rules and dice). It could have been fixed but Kan Saga saw his chance to fight a Dark Jedi and immediately said "You're evil. I have to kill you!" and he did. It was an epic and heart-breaking conclusion to our years-long story arc and we pretty much stopped playing after that. I think Kan was actually probably the evil one in that situation, and perhaps the story warranted a sequel where Chris' daughter came looking for revenge, but we such resolution was never meant to be.

Little-known fact: Obi-Wan Kenobi was actually Luke Skywalker's babushka.

They flew around in Wookie's starship, The Blue Torpedo, which was a beat-up old shuttle that was only intended for one person, yet they regularly carried 4-8 people in it. It had a Blue Oyster Cult logo painted on the roof. They had a droid, a giant, obsolete repair droid they called Snot Rag that was completely useless and spoke in a Robbie-the-Robot voice. They gave it a blaster but it was so terrible with it there was a better chance of it shooting one of its allies than any stormtroopers. The players of course thought this was hilarious.

A few other players came and went through our adventures, including another Rebel pilot who kept a sex bot with him for those long, lonely, interstellar flights. Then there was an actual wookiee, who had an awesome and surprisingly mature story arc for a 15-year old where he disgraced himself in combat in order to save his friends and then had to go on a trial and a suicide quest on the wookiee homeworld to redeem himself. Of course he survived and everything was happy in the end, which was a hell of a lot better than Chris Bahn's fate. He recited the lyrics to Gowan's "A Criminal Mind" during the trial.

George Lucas is so pleased with himself.

She's not one of your special effect props, George!

We tried to go back and play Star Wars again last year, but it wasn't the same, even with a couple of the original players joining on Skype. Part of it is that the rules of the game felt clunky and weird (RPGs have evolved a lot in 25 years), but I could have adapted that, tweaking and fixing them over time. The bigger problem though was that we're not 14 anymore, and we don't have to play 10 or more hours a week, and live and dwell in our characters and stories all the time. We only played a handful of times, and the sessions were weeks or even months apart. And we were always distracted by other things. I really envy people who can still find time to have regular gaming sessions into their late 30s and beyond, because so far it hasn't worked for me.

Recently I started playing a very low-key "roleplaying game" with my 6 year old son. We use his LEGO Star Wars figures and roll dice to decide who wins fights. I even give him simple choices to let him decide how the story will go, or to make strategic choices about how his characters should handle problems. It's pretty primitive right now, but I hope as he gets a little older we can go even bigger. HE LOVES the idea of it, and has a fabulous imagination for making up characters and stories. He's been asking if his best friend from school can come over and play with us. One of his cousins is a little older and is way into fantasy and games, so I think we could recruit her as well. Maybe in the near future my gaming group will consist of me and a bunch of pre-teens. Is that weird?

They do not look impressed with the chaperons for their high school dance.

That post turned out to be way longer than I expected, and I don't even remember what my original point was. Something about Star Wars, and how it influenced my gaming (and story-telling) preferences, and continues to colour my life until this game.

Man, I put a lot of stock into that friggin' movie.

How would the story have been different if Luke accidentally hit the wrong button right here?

May the 40th Be With You

May 25, 1977.

Forty years ago today, a film was released that would forever change movie-making and fandom in North America. I'm not going to go into an in-depth discussion of that movie, you can get that at countless sites around the internet. Instead, I'm going to reminisce on my personal experiences with that film and how it affected my own life. Plus I'm going to share some of my favourite backstage set photos.

Sir Alec Guinness celebrating his birthday on the set of Star Wars. Fun fact: Mark Hamill, still playing Luke Skywalker, is now older than Guinness was when they filmed the original movie.

Star Wars came out a few years before I was born. Return of the Jedi came out when I was only three, so I didn't get to see any of original trilogy in theatres during it's original run. I first remember watching Star Wars on broadcast television when I was about five or six. I was in my room watching it on a 12-inch black & white TV. I must have been sick, because I didn't usually have a TV in my room, my parents must have put it there because I was stuck in bed. I vividly remember watching Obi-Wan on Tatooine, a scene probably not far off from the one they were shooting in the photo above.

The next time you complain about CGI, remember that poor Kenny Baker spent YEARS inside that bucket for these movies.

I don't remember many details about it, but I remember I must have liked it because I had my parents tape it the next time it came on and then I watched it repeatedly. I loved the space ships and lightsabers and wanted some of my own, though by that time the toy craze was waning and the action figures and models were hard to find. When I visited my older cousin a few months later and discovered he had literally HUNDREDS of the figures, plus the Millennium Falcon and a TIE fighter and gads of other stuff, I was SO jealous. The biggest shock I got that visit though, was when my cousin told me that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father.

I couldn't believe it. I got mad at him for lying to me. He swore it was true. I of course hadn't seen The Empire Strikes Back yet, and my tiny mind could not process this new information. When we got home I made my parents rent Empire and Jedi (video rental was a big deal in the mid-eighties) and watched them as the ever-expanding universe exploded my mind. AT-AT walkers. Yoda. Ewoks. Jabba the Hutt. A GREEN lightsaber. I never did get any of the toys, but those images were permanently seared into my impressionable young mind. 

The thing I love the most about the original movie is how earnest everything is. The cast and crew really seemed to be having fun.

Eventually my interests moved on to other things. I got into other movies and cartoons, starting playing baseball and collecting hockey cards, got big into LEGO. Star Wars was always there, but it wasn't an over-powering central focus in my life. But then, in the early nineties when I was about 12 years old, it all came crashing back in a torrent.

Several events came together in a perfect storm for me. New Star Wars novels started appearing, featuring the continuing adventures of Luke, Han, Leia, and an ever-growing cast of supporting characters. New toys started popping up, too. I was actaully get a little old for it, but I wasn't going to turn up my chance to finally get a lightsaber and a Darth Vader action figure. 

Oh, Chewie, you giant hairy pervert.

The biggest thing though, was that I had started to get into roleplaying games like Dungeons & Dragons, and I discovered that Star Wars had a roleplaying game, too! I could create my own adventures and characters, and tell new stories with my friends. It was glorious! My friends and I played every day after school for months on end, crafting a broad, decades-spanning epic about our own rag-tag group of heroes: Kan Saga, the serious, studious Jedi student. Cris Bahn, the rebel-pilot-turned-businessman, who ran a galaxy-wide shipping business, settled down with a family, and then went out and started training as a Jedi. Wookie Nookie, the loser/stoner/artist/musician Jedi who had survived the Emperor's purge and eventually went on to become the greatest Jedi master of them all, taking over Luke Skywalker's school for him.

Our adventures went on for over a year (of real time, like I said, it was decades in the game), until in the epic climax Cris Bahn turned to the Dark Side and Kan Saga immediately murdered him. Our stories always ended that way.

You try to do this without laughing.

Now, because I had forged personal connections and bonds to it, Star Wars had dug even deeper into my soul. I was a massive, unabashed Star Wars nerd. I would not only celebrate the release of Star Wars every year on May 25, I would also celebrate September 25, Mark Hamill's birthday. I actually put up a picture of Mark on my locker one year for "Mark Hamill Day" and got beaten up for it. 

I don't know if nerd bullying still exists today, but it was certainly alive and well in 1994. 

Jump ahead twenty years. My interests and obsessions with Star Wars waxed and waned over the years, but recently something amazing has started to happen. My kids have started getting into Star Wars, and I'm getting to experience it for the first time all over again. 

Two Christmases ago, my son, just shy of four, got a little toy X-wing and TIE fighter. He was visiting me at work on Christmas Eve, and we ran down the hall together, saying "pew pew!" as the ships chased each other back and forth. Over the next year he got more toys, and Star Wars LEGO, and books, and pretty soon he was super into it. I didn't need to force (no pun intended) it on him - he picked it up quickly on his own and started to ask for more. I don't know if he just saw how excited I was for it, or if it genuinely touches some deep story-telling part of kids. Heck, even his 2-year old sister is getting into it, and she already knows all the characters - Leia, Dawth Vader, Chewie, Yoda, Awtoo, Treepio. It just seems to strike a chord with kids.

An incredibly rare sight: Harrison Ford laughing.

This past Christmas, I watched Star Wars with my son for the first time. He sat on the couch and snuggled into me as the Star Destroyer roared across the screen at the beginning, watching enraptured as the stormtroopers burst through the doors, blasting away at the rebels. It wasn't long before he was on his feet though, and I'll never forget the sight of him bouncing up and down in excitement as the X-wings attacked the Death Star at the end. 

A few weeks later, when we visited Legoland for his 5th birthday, we found a life-sized LEGO model of R2-D2. He insisted I give him my debit card, because he wanted to "protect the secret plans!" and re-enact the scene were Leia loads the Death Star plans into the droid.

It's all come full-circle. Star Wars, as a cultural phenomenon, has grown to unfathomable size. And as long as it keeps making money for Disney, new movies will keep coming out. And I'm okay with that. It's become something bigger than George Lucas, bigger than the original fans who loved it in the 70s and 80s. It now belongs to millions of people, and while it brings them all together it means something different to every one of them. 

I'm perfectly happy with that. I don't know if my kids will grow up to be Star Wars nerds or if they will show the movies to their kids with the same relish I did, but that's okay. It means something different to everyone. For me, I think my memories of watching my kids watching Star Wars are even better than my those of me watching it myself. 

Thank you for giving joy to my family and I for forty years. Here's to forty more.

Also, any time you start to take Star Wars too seriously, just remember that there's a sweaty, tanned dude in pink hotpants just out of frame.

BONUS PICS

Vanity Fair released a wonderful article and series of photographs by Annie Leibovitz yesterday about Episode VIII: The Last Jedi. You should go check them out here, but a couple of the photos were just so poignant I had to steal borrow them to share here. Enjoy.

Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill with Last Jedi director Rian Johnson and Lucasfilm head Kathleen Kennedy (probably the most powerful woman in Hollywood). Also, Carrie and Mark's dogs are there, because of course they are. I love this picture.

Mark and Carrie did this for forty years. Go back and look at some of those pictures of them as kids and try not to get choked up at this one.

Carrie Fisher with her daughter, Billie Lourd, who plays Lt. Kaydel Connix in The Force Awakens and the upcoming The Last Jedi. Sigh. We're still getting over you, Carrie.

Another Galaxy, Another Time (Episode 8 Spoilers!)

"Another galaxy, another time" is the original opening line to Star Wars: From the Adventures of Luke Skywalker, the novelization of Star Wars that was actually published 6 months before the film's release. It's not quite as catchy as "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" but I've always been fond of it.

Also, in this day and age it's unfathomable to imagine a novel coming out and spoiling a Star Wars movie a full six months before the film's release.

The secrecy surrounding The Force Awakens last year and the upcoming, as-yet-untitled "Episode 8" is staggering. And that's the way people seem to like it. Revealing spoilers in today's society is worse than insulting someone's mother or discussing religion. It's just not done in polite company. But you know who doesn't care about polite company? Mister Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill:

Thanks @rianjohnson for letting me reveal 1 SPOILER to try to reach #HAMILLION followers! STAY TUNED! #LeakingLuke pic.twitter.com/wmdBihavUQ

— Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) April 1, 2016

Hamill has been making waves today promising he'll reveal a spoiler to the new film if he reaches 1 million Twitter followers, and has even supposedly been endorsed by the film's writer/director, Rian Johnson:

Time 4 a #SWSecret-@rianjohnson OK'd release of stunning #Ep8 plot point-Tell 21,000 friends! #HAMILLION #StayTuned pic.twitter.com/B9nQM6A5st

— Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) April 1, 2016

Media outlets from Entertainment Weekly to the BBC have picked up on the story (it's especially newsworthy since The Force Awakens was released on digital streaming today, and will drop on DVD/Blu-Ray on Monday), proving that anyone will talk about Star Wars to get hits on their website. Including me.

Of course, it's all probably some elaborate April Fool's joke, and maybe the spoiler he's about to reveal is that "C-3P0 says 'Thank the maker!'" or something equally trite, but the fact remains that someone as classy, kindhearted and self-depreciatingly hilarious as Mark Hamill SHOULD have at least a million Twitter followers. HE'S LUKE SKYWALKER AND THE JOKER, for crying out loud.

He's also weirdly attached to this god-awful ugly sweater, for some reason:

I’ve a lot of respect for Mark Hamill’s 30 year attachment to this jumper. pic.twitter.com/Bv418Ucohd

— paul haine (@paul_haine) March 29, 2016