New Year. Same shit.
Except it's not the same. Not really. Things are different, and they're going to continue to be different. The only constant in life is change, as they say.
The family is still grieving the loss of my father-in-law. My wife is taking it particularly hard. Christmas brought up all kinds of feelings, some good, some bad, but mostly, things felt different. Of course it is, when a major figure in your family is no longer there. The whole dynamic shifts, and everyone is still wandering around in a daze, trying to figure out what life is supposed to look like now.
But it's not just the big things. There are little things, that trigger little lightning flashes in the mind, that bounce around the inside of your skull and illuminate how life is different now. How your thoughts are different.
This week is the 10 year anniversary of David Bowie's death. That's a sad anniversary, in its own right, but it's the other feelings it stirs up that surprises me. For Christmas, my daughter got my a Ziggy Stardust record. I was not expecting it, didn't even know I wanted it, but it was probably my favourite gift I received this year. She thought it was special because I used to sing her David Bowie songs at bedtime when she was little. Still do, sometimes. His were some of the only songs I could remember with semi-appropriate lyrics. The wife didn't think Nine Inch Nails was suitable (though I did sneak one or two of those in, from time to time). Anyway, I put the record on Christmas Day and I started to cry. I'm not certain why. Part of it was nostalgia, part of it was remembering that time with my daughter. Part of it was remembering being a kid myself, and discovering David Bowie the first time, listening to the music alone in my room, fascinated by the strange poetry of it, staring at the lyrics and the liner notes. It was such a strange sense of deja vu, returning to a place and a memory that doesn't exist anymore.
We also finished watching Stranger Things the other day. My wife and I enjoyed the series, and mostly enjoyed the final season. But this too, hit me strangely harder than I would have expected, certainly more than most TV shows do. Not to get too spoilery, but in the end, alot of the themes were about growing up and moving on. One of the last scenes shows the kids putting their Dungeons & Dragons character sheets away, and that particular shot resounded with me like a sledgehammer. Just days before this, on Christmas break, I had come to a realization: I will probably never play D&D again. Something that I loved so dearly, that was such an integral part of my life for such a long time, is gone. Those endless days and long nights of rolling dice and telling stories with friends are behind me. There is too much responsibility, and not enough energy, to devote that much time to a game anymore. I wanted to run a game for my kids and nieces over Christmas, which they probably would have enjoyed, but the thought of it was just too daunting. Just coming up with a story, and being creatively and emotionally "on" for the hours it takes to run it, was just exhausting to think about. I got discouraged before I even did anything.
It's not just getting old. It's about not being a kid anymore. It's about not being young. It's about life changing, and mortality suddenly becoming a very real and ever-present companion on this journey through time and space.
Writing used to be a release, and an escape. I wanted to tell stories. Needed to tell them. But that drive doesn't seem to be there anymore. I do try, I still try to write a little bit every day, and there's a couple of stories and books I'm chipping away on. But none of them feel urgent and important anymore. Maybe it's because I haven't sold a book in literally months and it's just getting me down, but more likely my creative energy is gone to the same place my hopes and youth are hiding.
Now, I recognize that this post is becoming a total bummer, so before anyone rushes out to call emergency services to do a mental health check on me, I will end on a slightly higher note: I made a sort of early New Year's Resolution before Christmas, and I started playing soccer. Yes, at 45 years old, having not played since gym class in high school, I went out and bought a pair of ugly yellow cleats on clearance, went down to the local rec centre, and started playing pick-up games. Why? I was never a sporty person, or played competitively in my youth or anything. I guess from watching my daughter play and practice all year, I just got the itch to try it out. And there has been so many things in my life I've been afraid to try, and later regretted, that I decided I had to start trying something before it was too late.
Not surprisingly, I'm terrible. Can't shoot, can't pass. My cardio's not bad, I have gotten back into running this year, so that helped. Mostly I've been playing in the games for the 35+ crowd, and they're pretty easy going, and supportive, and at least I'm faster than many of them, even if my actual skills are non-existent. I tried one game with the regular, supposedly "All Skill Levels" group, which was all 20-somethings who were way too intense and a million times better than me, and I think they resented the old guy showing up and taking up space on their field. I literally sat on the bench for over half the match. In a community pick-up rec game. It was embarrassing, and humiliating, and part of me knew I should just give up then, but somehow I managed to drag myself back the following week for the old-timers game... and I had fun. For a few minutes, just running around, kicking a ball like a kid again. It was fleeting, but I got a tiny bit of that energy back. Just for a moment. I hurt like hell the next day, but still. It was something.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm just trying to process some feelings, I think. I believe this month's question was supposed to be something about writing plans for 2026, so sorry if anyone came for Tips on Finishing Your Manuscript in the New YearTM and found a middle-aged man's existential crisis instead, I'm sorry. But it wouldn't be called the Insecure Writers Support Group if we weren't a bit insecure sometimes, right? Or in my case, just completely lost.
Keep your head up, boys and girls. It's a new year, and hopefully there's a bright and shiny future out there for you somewhere. You know, if the world doesn't completely go to shit first. I'm not even going to touch that right now.
Hugs and kisses,
-CDGK
The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group day. Writers post their thoughts on their blogs, talking about their doubts and the fears they have conquered. It's a chance for writers to commiserate and offer a word of encouragement to each other. Check out the group at http://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com
10 comments:
Losing a family member can be difficult and can make you really think about your life and how life is always changing. The last ten years since I lost my husband have been very challenging. I don't like change, but I've had many major ones over these last years. Practicing gratitude and finding support through a Hospice grief support group helped me a lot. It might help your wife and you to join one.
I am sorry for your loss. Grief manifests itself in many ways and may be the trigger for all the losses you are feeling. On reading your post I had two primary thoughts. Your daughter is a joy and knows how to gift kindness. And, I'm a lot older than you, and the best things I've accomplished in my life (other than raising my own daughter) started at age fifty. You may not have D&D anymore but there is still so very much out there!
I lost my mother years ago and I still have those moments. They never go away, just the pain lessens a little.
Play soccer? Good for you! And while I would suck at it, I could probably outrun most of those rec players, even the younger ones. (I've been running for years now.)
Love the album gift. Sometimes the best gifts are the one's we didn't even know we wanted. Having those memories and connection with your daughter is priceless.
Selling books is hard. Sadly, the writing part is far easier - even though that is it's own brand of hard. Wouldn't it be great if books just sold themselves so we could kick back and just enjoy the creative end of things?
Best of luck with giving soccer a go!
Hi, CD! My condolences to you and your family. It's really hard to lose a major person in your family. Grieving hits you so many ways, even years and years later. What a beautiful gift your daughter gave you, especially given you used to sing her David Bowie songs at bedtime when she was little. That is really precious. I haven't played D&D in decades, but I still have some of my little game pieces and dice ~ lots of good memories there. Kuddos to you for playing soccer. Keep having fun with it. Wishing you lots of fun and adventure in the future. May 2026 be really good to you!
Sorry for your loss.
I don't know about losing someone but I know about the fear of losing someone. Christmas night, my dad had a chest pain and then there was a doctor who said things that just scares. I wrote a letter to god saying I'm not ready to be here without him. And thank lord, he's fine now.
My dad is about your age---46. He used to play football and I remember being so happy about that.
I really enjoy reading your posts and I hope that you do feel motivated to write. I'd actually looked up your book on Amazon but then I realized I can't actually buy it and nobody around me has a copy of it:(
But I'll be reading the Kindle version when I do get the time. Been a while since I actually read a book.
I hope you have a great 2026!
45! I turn 80 this year. Sounds like lots of changes going on over there. I used to sing old labor songs to my kids when rocking them to sleep. "I dreamed I saw Joe Hill Last night" was one of my favorite. Of course I mixed in some regular songs too. Funny how the surprise gifts we sometimes get at Christmas turn out to be the ones that mean the most to us. Playing soccer sounds like a great thing to start now. I hope it continues to be fun. Be sure to take care of your feet and knees! Thanks for stopping by my blog. Very cheering.
I don't have much hope for the world not going totally to shit, but lets continue as long as we can with what we can.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Some of the feelings you describe, I could have written, especially this one: "too much responsibility, and not enough energy." I went through a couple of years of that and finally realized my problem: burnout. Work, loss, family health issues, my health issues... it was all too much. I think I'm on the upswing now, mostly by cutting back on trying to do everything, scaling back (but not eliminating) my aspirations, and being kinder to myself.
I hope you can find the right balance. Middle age is rough. I'm on the other side of that too, though it pains me to admit it, and I'm learning that life has seasons, and sometimes the answer is "not now," rather than, "not ever."
The first holiday without a loved one is always the hardest. I can't say it will get easier, but you learn to deal with it.
I get the loss thing. We've had a few of those. You know, we just got back from a cruise and all the adults were doing the kid things and laughing while they did them. (Adults 44-50 years old.) In fact, we were in a crazy suite with a slide (because my brother-in-law is a mad genius -- don't tell him that) and we had several people on our cruise want to come SEE our suite. All the adults had to try the slide. Even the 60+ers. And all came away smiling. My husband got an eye facepainted on his forehead and laughed for the rest of the day when people commented on it. I think we have to give ourselves permission to just be young sometimes. My alternative to D&D has been the Hero Quest series I'm DMing with my kids. It's scripted so I don't have to burn myself out and the quests are 45 minutes to 1.5 hours, so doable. Granted, I have to work myself up and conserve energy for the effort. LOL. Ah, priorities, eh?
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